My oldest child, my son, is turning 17 years old in just a couple of weeks.
17….unbelievable. How did that happen!? Little shrimpy 5’1” tall me, looking up at this looming 6’3” man who lives in my house and shares my name but isn’t my husband. Finally leaving his room at 10:30am on Saturday, he says in his deep man-voice, “Good morning Mom….I have to go to work…see you later.” And just like that he’s gone again as the front door closes behind him and I stare at the closed door for longer than I really should. Alone I sit, looking at the door, and a tears come to my eyes.
My husband points out that we only have about another year left that we will all be sitting down as a complete family unit at the dining room table together. Sure, we’ll always be in touch and see the kids – but we will likely get together as a full family around the holidays. And that’s if I’m lucky. This thought brings stinging tears to my eyes.
When ‘they’ kept saying, “it goes by too fast!”….what ‘they’ mean is that memories don’t fade. My childhood is foggy, a distant memory of playing outside and brief snapshot memories of friends or school. But raising our children – that memory doesn’t get foggy. I remember this almost-17 year-old man’s first week as clearly as I remember this past Christmas. I remember the clothes I dressed him in….I remember the chair I would sit in and rock him. I remember the smell of his silky hair, the feeling of him cuddled up in a little ball between my breasts as I rubbed his back. I remember rejoicing in the tiniest of accomplishments – learning to coo, smiling, rolling to his side – as well as the big ones.
I also remember the insecurity that came with being his mother, and how it felt when people said things like, “How will he learn independence if you always rock him to sleep? Are you going to rock him to sleep for the rest of his life?” “He sleeps in your bed?? How will he ever learn how to sleep on his own!?” “If you stand them up against a wall, that will help them to learn to walk faster.” “They must learn to play by themselves – it’s not your job to always entertain them…leave him alone and he’ll learn to do it by himself.”
As I stare at the closed front door, alone, I wonder what the hell was so terrific about independence. I would give anything to rock him to sleep on my lap one more time….for the days when I didn’t have to say goodbye after a few moments of seeing him.
My family went out to dinner the night before last – Olive Garden (“When you’re here, you’re family”). As my husband looked past my shoulder he said with a sigh, “Poor baby.” I casually tried to glance around and saw an itty bitty baby that couldn’t have been older than a couple of weeks – sitting in a bucket car seat with a blanket draped over his chest propping up a bottle in his mouth. What looked to me to be his parents along with grandparents and a group of 6 people were chatting, not a single one looking at the baby. Finally the dad took the bottle out of the baby’s mouth – and baby started to cry. He tried multiple times to put a pacifier into his mouth – the baby refused, continuing to cry. He then tried to put the bottle back in the baby’s mouth…baby cried, moving his head from side to side…but the dad grabbed his head and pushed the bottle back into the baby’s mouth.
The baby stopped crying. How can you cry when flat on your back with milk being dripped into it? But baby stopped crying, so the father turned back to the table. He was the only one who had even turned to look at the baby.
I began to wonder how we got so detached from our children. When did a baby’s cry become something easy to ignore? I wondered when this little boy turned 17, would these parents be glad that he’s independent enough to walk out that front door with barely a goodbye, or will they LONG for the days of his babyhood once more? I really do wonder what causes this disconnect – is it from the common birth practices in this country? Where labor sensations are immediately removed via epidural, newborns are immediately removed to a warmer, breasts are immediately replaced with a bottle or pacifier, arms are immediately replaced with car seats and carriers and swings….
Independence….bah. Of course I want to raise happy productive members of society – but someone will have to explain to me one more time the benefit of independence in our children. I am 42 years old, and my independence is a façade. I am not ‘independent’….I am totally dependent on my husband, children, friends, society…..I could never live on a deserted island. I do not live in a vacuum. I do not sleep alone or play alone. I appreciate when I am upset having my husband wrap his arms around me and letting me cry into his chest. If *I* don’t want that kind of alone life – why is that a goal for our children?
I understand needing a moment without the toddlers climbing on us – but BABIES don’t climb, they don’t understand “just a minute”, they really don’t demand much for their joy. Babies need food, safety, comfort. That’s about it. But we complicate this parenting thing with a lot of what other people think we SHOULD do (or not do). Instead of listening to our hearts and our babies, we let them cry…we don’t bring them to our breasts…we ignore and are bothered by and don’t nurture.
And even when we do try to treasure every moment with this little creature….they still grow up anyways. And you will still be left sitting alone on the couch staring at a closed front door wondering how the time went by so quickly. What do you think you will remember the most about their first year – how hard it was to listen to them cry themselves to sleep? How challenging it was to get them to be by themselves? Will you remember how many times your baby cried while in a carseat in a restaurant and rather than pick them up you rocked the carseat and tried to prop a bottle up in their mouth?
I will remember the way he would fall off the breast, milk spilling out of his sweet bow-tie mouth, peaceful in my arms, using my breast as a pillow as I quietly rocked him. I treasure those moments that I was warned me would ruin him. It is in that moment that every other piece of joy in my life shall be measured – and lose. Life doesn’t get better than in that moment.
So please, I beg you…..tonight as you rock your 2 month old baby, praying they would go to sleep, thinking about just putting them down to cry by themselves feeling yourself getting frustrated…take a moment and think about the closed front door I’m staring at while sitting alone in my family room.
And please look down at this person in your arms and appreciate your view.
97 Comments
oh Stephanie, I love this post! As I read it my little one is snuggled on my chest napping in a way that so many would say is unnecessary – that I should put her down to sleep and get something done around the house. I made a promise to this baby when I got pregnant that I would not wish away any moment of the pregnancy because I was tired or uncomfortable because I would only be pregnant with her once and I wanted to appreciate every minute. Why should I treat her life any differently? Why do so many push us to not fully enjoy our babies? I promise my baby that I will enjoy every minute and not wish away the time we have. I promise to pick her up when she wants and needs me to. I promise to cherish every milestone and every snuggle and every smile. Thank you for writing this post. You help me remember that I am not crazy for wanting to raise my baby a particular way.
Waaahhh!!! I’m bawling like a baby over here. Thank you for this! Now I need to go cuddle my babies.
I read this while nursing AND rocking my 17 month old to sleep for his nap. This is a peaceful time of day for both of us and I will miss it when it’s done, but will know that it was his choice and he was developmentally ready. Great post!
Cuddling my babies right now…..
It was until the newborn phase was just ending that I was able to relax and enjoy it. I hope and wish everyday that I get another chance to soak it all in.
Thank you for bravely sharing such a beautiful and lovely post. I teared as I read it. I too remember my sons first week clearly, and my daughter’s.
I took so much grief and hid out parenting choices (sharing a bed, nursing incessantly on demand and never putting our baby away from us). My husband and I could not have made better choices for our family and I could not have lived with anything else.
Thank you for your beautiful work.
The other night my little baby put him self to sleep in his brothers room(and will eventually be his room). At first I was a little excited!! But as I tried to lay in my bed without him I couldn’t sleep. My last baby is growing up and I was sad
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I am so glad that none of my 3 babies wasted a night crying alone without me. Because you are right, it goes by SO fast.
Thank you for the reminder to take them in as much as I can.
I saw this pOsted by a friend of mine on Facebook and had to comment. I soooo get where you are coming from! My oldest just turned 17 a week ago and like yours it seems the only time I see him anymore is when he is on his way out the door for work, school, girlfriend… I was the same way when he (and all my kids) where little. I held them and rocked them to sleep and they usually slep with me. I got a lot of comments about how thy wouldn’t be independent because of it, which is so not true. I believe the opposite. They learn early on that they can count on you to be there when they need you and are able to be more independent. I see so many people these days trying to rush those baby years (early potty training, bottle that are easy for baby to hold, so much) I wan’t to tell people to just let them be babies because it goes so fast and pretty soon you have grown kids and wonder where all the time went.
I’m cuddling my 3 month old while reading this and the tears are rolling down my cheeks. So true we need to cuddle, love and nurture our babes. Thanks for this!
I love you! I know just what you mean. Thank you for this post.
Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling in my heart! Now I almost want to go wake up my (one weeks shy of) one year old to snuggle her some more!
Trying not to cry as I read this at work. Thank you for the reminder!
Mallorie told me to have a box of tissues ready and to nurse Sara as I read this post. I did both. I’m so glad that I took both pieces of her advice.
SO beautiful and totally RIGHT ON!!! Thank you.
Absolutely beautiful! Thank you!
Such a beautiful post & I read it while nursing and cuddling my 6 week old baby girl. I’ve already been told that I need to teach her to sleep on her own because she’ll only sleep on me. But I love getting to snuggle her and to sustain her from only my breasts!! I want to enjoy every moment just as I enjoyed every moment of her pregnancy. <3
I had to share this with a group of ladies that I know and we all have tweens… It has been touching to all of us. We appreciate you sharing this with us because we know that all too soon our sons and daughters will be at this stage in life, and they are already starting to reach for their independence and we are having to learn to let go a little at a time. We are cherishing every moment that we can, while we can before we have to let go and see them leave the nest, because some day in the not so distant future all we will have are our memories and family get togethers at the holidays as well.
My son turned 13 yesterday, and I also have a two year old daughter. Seeing my big grown up young man with his little sister sure brings it home how fast it really does fly by. I enjoy them growing up – seeing them discover new things, and being the “safe place” when things sometimes go wrong, but now that he is a teenager, I long for a little of the childhood back.
Oh wow – loved this! My babies are very little – 2.5 years and 7 months, but I know exactly what you mean. I cherish that my toddler won’t go to sleep without her mummy and daddy cuddles. I’ll cry the day she doesn’t need them xx
a true word spoken yes… memories are there to remind us of the beauty of life not to make up pine for days gone by. I am a mum who is ‘baby led’ and don’t regret it at all. my first child slept with me and hubby then moved into his own bed when he was 2 – complely comforted knowing mum and dad are always there for him. baby number 2 sleeps with me too…what a joy.
This is a beautifully written post and a touching reminder of how quickly it all goes. Thanks, Lisa
Thank you
Our children are 19, 14, 12 and 9 months. What you say is so true. Thank you for posting.
i’m 48, and have three beautiful daughters 29, 25, 24… all grown up and have left the nest… it’s hard everyday i miss my girls and many time i wish i could turn back the clocks just to have them home for a bit longer… we so need to treasure the times we have .. i now have two beautiful grandchildren 5,2 and i love the special times with them…
the best Job i ever had was being the mother of my beautiful girls.. Judy
Nursing my sweet 11 month old baby girl to sleep as I read this…beautifully written, and an encouragement. I nurse our little angel whenever she wants it, always nurse her to sleep for naps, and through the night (which she shares with us in our bed), carry her everywhere…we can’t be apart for more than 20-30min, and I love that. I love that she needs me and wants me close, and vise versa. They are little for such a short time…
Thank you for this! I’m sat with my son cuddled up at my breast. 5 days till his 1st birthday. This past year has gone rather quickly the thought of him being 17 feels me with such sweet sorrow.
This made me teary!!! I love feeding my 11mo son to sleep in my bed, love carrying him & having him sit on my knee at dinner…I get all kinds of comments & criticism but I cannot imagine the regret of not doing these things. At the end of the day my child will know he was loved beyond any measure. How lucky your children are to have such a beautiful mother!
Love xx
After reading this I had to go cuddle with both of my sons.
As a mother of 10 children from ages 24 to 13 months I so appreciate your words. I tell people all the time this very thing and btw I’m 42 as well. Cherish those moments!!! Hold your baby!!! Love your baby!!! Nurture your baby!!!! Because babies become toddlers who become preschoolers who become little kids, tweens, teens and then…. they walk away to begin their adult life. You can not love to much, hug to much, kiss their sweet little face enough. My fondest memories are holding my children close while watching their sweet faces smiling in their sleep as they nuzzled up against me during and after nursing. Sleeping close to them in my bed. Just loving on them. I hope that more people can see what you are trying to say! Very beautifully written!
I treasure every moment with my kids and dread them growing up and leaving me. One boy at 6 yrs old and the other at 20months already run from cuddles so whatever I can get I’ll take. I love this post made me cry my eyes out.
I have a 19 year old daughter getting married in July and a 19 month old little one in my bed and attached to my Brest at this very moment. With 5 more in between. They’ve all slept in my bed and been rocked/nursed to sleep. Wouldnt change that for anything.
Thank you for the reminder. I just pulled my daughter from her side-carred crib and she’s now cuddled up to my chest. Right where she belongs. I am so thankful for every poopy smiley giddy cranky moment that I have with her but sometimes I’m so tired that I forget. So, like I said, Thank you for the reminder that she won’t fit in my arms forever but she definitely does right now.
My 2.5 y/o is curled up next to me, nursing in her sleep. I cherish every day with her, although sometimes it does get stressful. She was a high needs baby and attachment parenting was the only thing that felt right. She is starting to slowly gain her independence but she still knows I’m always here for her when she needs to be held or snuggled.
Lovely! I had tears reading those words.
Without love we have nothing!
A baby knows nothing of wealth. Having a Dior dummy or a top label outfit means nothing and yet some mums think they are a status symbol like having a handbag size dog.
A baby needs 3 things.
Food,Warmth and love.
If a mum loves her child she may listen to as many old wives tales or advice from friends but she will go with her basic instinct. She cannot go far wrong with that.
We all need love and praise. No matter what age.
As a new first time grandmother I would not give advice unless asked and then may offer a suggestion but add.” You do it your way.The way it feels right for you and the baby”
Good luck to all young mums. It is the hardest ( but most rewarding ) job in the world.
Love from Nana Kay
x
My friend posted the link to this on facebook. I have to say, it’s quite timely for me. Maybe she knew that when she posted it. I had a heavy heart yesterday, upon hearing someone complain that their child wasn’t sleeping even though they “sleep-trained” him at 2 months old (and though I hear things like this often, I was particularly sensitive yesterday for some reason). I posted to facebook that I couldn’t understand why these parents couldn’t just cherish the few years they get snuggling their babies. My daughter was born severely disabled and I was never able to nurse her. She spent 2 months in the NICU, only to come home on a feeding tube and with a poor prognosis. She’s 4 1/2 now and and the tubes and wires she requires to have a decent quality of life have only multiplied. Forget being able to pick her up and rock her to sleep, I’m lucky to find a spot on her bed where I will not accidentally lay on something and disconnect a vital machine. She only gets picked up during the day, when she’s not hooked up to everything. I would have given anything to nurse her throughout the night, like I did my son. Parents complain and take extreme measures to “fix” their child’s “sleep problems”, sometimes when they are only a few months old. I feel they should be so lucky to have a healthy child that can be comforted by a breast or bottle! Of course, some people will never understand this, until they see how it CAN be. I know it will be hard when my healthy son leaves my home…it will only be harder when my daughter does, as she will only leave when she passes away. HOLD YOUR BABIES!
My oldest is just about to turn *five* and I’m already having major difficulties in watching how he is becoming more and more grown up…he acts like he is 5 going on 15…already a little man…and absolutely the memories of his birth, the first time i nursed him, cuddling him to sleep in our bed, wearing him in the sling… are as vivid as dinner last night. Your post rings so true. And i started bawling. I am SO not ready for him to grow up and leave the house, and I assume I won’t be any more ready in 12 years…. But i’m doing my best to treasure these moments now
My daughter turns 12 tomorrow, the timing for me reading this is amazing! We are, right now, getting ready to leave for school as she has her earbuds connecting her to her Kindle… I need more tissue! I love where you say “It is in that moment that every other piece of joy in my life shall be measured – and lose.”
As my oldest son is on the brink of turning 18, this truly hits home. His little sister is 3, and baby brother is 2. She sleeps with us, and he refused to begin the day without the required cuddles. Love your children, and they will become the amazing adults that everyone likes to be around. Great piece…well said!!!
What a beautiful post. My oldest just turned 10 two days ago and I still can’t believe it. I faced all the same criticisms (although never from my mom who was very supportive), but I don’t and won’t ever regret the attachment parenting I used with my sons. My 10 year old boy, who comes up to my chin (I’m 5’9”), still hugs and kisses his mom several times a day. He still says “I love you mom” and picks me flowers. But he also rides his bike around the neighborhood to hang with his friends and texts me when he wants to stay longer because they’re fishing or if he wants to stay the night. A child can be attached to their parents and be independent as well. I witness it every day with my extended-nursing-never-put-’em-down-slept-on-my-chest-homeschooled-because-I-want-to-raise-them kids.
Well put. I often get criticized because I have responded to my five months old every need since birth. Even when that need is just to be held. They grow up way too fast.
I agree, that our culture wants to push the baby away, and that those who are attached to their babies are criticised. But perhaps that family you saw, had other things going on you didn’t know about. I’m sure if you peeked at me at a resturant with my 3 year old a 6 month old that you might think the same thing…but it’s not true at all. Maybe those parents were EXHAUSTED. My six month old is allergic to my milk (i tried EVERYTHING), and she is so large and squirmy it’s a WWF smackdown just to hold her for a few minutes to give her a bottle. She won’t be worn in a carrier, and squirms constantly, since 2 months old. I am a mom who would sleep with my babies for forever, nurse till 18 months and hold them constantly, but neither of them want it or are happy when I do those things. It breaks my heart, and it’s exhausting. So yeah, when you see me out a restaurant, chances are my 6 month old will be in the car seat, holding her own bottle. Because all day leading up to it, i tried. and failed. to be an attached parent.
Amen!!!
Thank you for this wonderful post. My daughter is 1 week shy of 5 months. Nursing before nap time as I write. I nurse when she wants wherever we may be, have her sleep with us on chili nights or just because I want to be close. That doesn’t seem to suit people I know, especially in laws. I’m suppose to have a set schedule & make her sleep in her own bed. Luckily, my mother has been very supportive & let’s me know how wonderful she thinks I’m doing. Having someone tell you that makes a world of difference. I have a friend with a newborn son who said she was nursing him in a restaurant w a cover and the couple with three children in the booth next to them started making comments: “why can’t she do that in the car or bathroom” among others. I felt sorry for their children because that sort of mentality teaches that breastfeeding is not okay or natural and even shameful. I hope that more young mothers return to breastfeeding if they are able to and that our society commends them for their efforts instead of condemning them.
I’m going to blame the hormones for the tears this post brought!! Greg will sleep just about anywhere–but my favorite place for him to sleep is on my chest or in my arms, listening to my heartbeat, able to wake me up for food as soon as he needs it.
I am lucky to own my own business and be able to take my little man with me to work so that he is raised by his parents!! I have an awesome and open-minded staff that doesn’t mind me breast feeding in my office and when Greg cries and I can’t get to him immediately, one of them has him in their arms by the time I get there. I am one of the luckiest women in the world to be surrounded by such amazing people! This can only make Greg a better and more well-rounded adult. Thank you Stephanie, for reminding us all what is important in life.
My son will be 17 in 3 weeks. This post could have been written by me. Great post!
This teared me up . It is especially apt for me today as my son proudly presented me with his brand new driver’s license and cast his vote as an adult for the first time.
Good on you for the way you raised your child and for doing it well and being proud of it. I do have a few issues with you post and the comments after though, for the fact that, you say you get ridiculed for the way you raised you children and yet is this not doing the same to those who do things differently to you? I only breastfed my daughter for 5 weeks because after trying everything i was in so much pain that i just couldn’t take it anymore and i did not sleep with her for fear or crushing or smothering her as i know people who that has happened too and who’s babies have died as a result and having lost my first child, my daughter, i do everything in my power to take out any risk to the daughter i have now as she is the most precious thing in the world to me and my life wouldn’t be worth living without her.
Also, i think it is important to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner aswell and how can you do that if you have your child in your bed all night every night, i know alot of relationships that have failed because they were never able to be intimate etc because they were never alone, you need to have a good balance to keep everyone happy and stable. My daughter was a very settled good baby so she only ever cried if she was dirty or hungry but that didn’t stop me just giving her cuddles anyway and still doesn’t to this day. Every parent does it different and i think as long as they are showing love and care for their child and raise well adjusted humans who can contribute to society then no-one should be slammed for how they do things.
I am not at all slamming anyone here for the way you do things i just think that everyone does it differently and no-one should be ashamed of how they do it. (unless obviously if they are abusive horrible parents who are toxic and nasty to their child and who do not care for or love them)
Thanx.
Stacey:
I’m sorry…but respectfully, I think you completely missed my point. My post had absolutely nothing to do with choice of feeding methods. My post had to do with the societal pressure to encourage “independence” from infancy. You did what you felt was right for you in your family…..and that is what we should all do. We shouldn’t ignore our instinctive urge to hold, cuddle, sleep with our babies because society tells us it will “spoil” them, or that it’s dangerous to them.
I see no reason to push independence on a baby, or worry about spoiling them. I do not believe that we can love our babies too much, or pay them too much attention. I do not know a single person EVER who has regretted nurturing and holding their babies – but I do know many who have regretted making their babies cry alone in their rooms even though their hearts ached to go and pick up and care for their babies – but they do not because of a family member or book they read that told them that it was better for their child to be left alone to cry.
Everyone does it differently…but that doesn’t make all ways equal. While my post had nothing to do with choice of feeding methods, it does have to do with parenting styles and I can not support parenting a child in a way that ignores that child and their needs either out of selfishness that they don’t want to be bothered, or by the misguided idea that it’s BAD for a baby to be held, rocked, and given attention. If you did the best you can for your child, then good for you. If you ignored your child, intentionally left them to cry by themselves despite the ability to comfort and care…well, then I do hope you heed the warning of this post that you will probably be sad that you did so by the time your child is old enough to simply be a passing blur in your life.
I bawled reading this and will repost on facebook for sure. I get exactly what you mean. My little one is 2 years old and sleeps with us everynight. I think, why would I not enjoy every second. You can only enjoy those seconds once.
How beautiful! Thank you! My son will be 4 in July. When he was a baby, I nursed him to sleep every chance I had. And, when I wasn’t there (work), his father rocked him to sleep. He just recently started sleeping in his own bed. I was told many times, “he’ll never learn to sleep on his own” “you’ll never get him out of your bed.” But, when my husband and I decided that we needed our bed, our son was happy to move to his own. No crying – well not on my son’s part anyway. I miss snuggling with my baby. Good thing we still get couch time. I wonder how long I can make that last.
When I read your post whilst I agree to some level what you say I also see a level of selfishness in your views. Many of your comments appear to be based on how you feel, what you want, and your regrets/thoughts and what your life will be when your children fly the nest. I believe as mothers it is our duty to do what is best for our children which is not necessarily what makes us feel good or what makes us happy but rather what makes our children happy and what allows them to grow into well rounded individuals capable to live their lives to their full potential.
Thanks so much for this post. It’s easy to get discouraged during the first few months when your baby is sooooo dependant on you, but you can never get those moments back, so yes, if my baby needs me in the middle of the night I will pull her closer and snuggle with her, even if it means being a little more tired the next day. As a WOHM, I appreciate those moments even more…
I cherish every time one of my 42-year-old sons gets a hug from one of their children. Hands-on dads happen because they were cuddled and not left crying themselves to sleep. My mom used to say that a baby’s cry was music calling her to “pick up” and now I laugh when our little 4 year old granddaughter says the same thing to her dolls because you know where the saying came from and someday she will say it to her own children and grandchildren. And even though you’re not looking for a payback, every single time you cuddled and hugged your babies will be returned 10 fold when as adults, they are secure enough to know how to hug their mom and dad!
I love the affirmation I received from your story/article. I held my babies, rocked my babies, cuddeled, slept with and snuggled my babies…I wasn’t the typical mom of today. My babies are now 20, 17, and 14. We homeschool(ed) our children. We live on a small farm. Only my 17 year hold drives and just recently got her driver’s license. We work, play, shop, eat, study, learn, worship, everything together. My oldest left for college last year. She is two hours away. I drive to see her or bring her home every two weeks. This growing up is painful for me! They are not isolated or unsocialized. They are brilliant, confident, happy, healthy, wonderful children. Through God, and not by any encouragement from family or friend, I have made the sacrifice, given of myself, and reaped the benefits. It is what God called me to do. Thank you for allowing me to share.
I have 5 kids under the age of 6 and I cuddled all of them and still do
I believe that you shouldn’t have a child if you just want to pawn him or her off on others or in swings etc. my smallest cross for me ask
This is wonderfully written
I have a six year old boy, 4 year old girl, 2.5 year old girl and a 10 month old girl. I never did the CIO, I nursed them all, cosleep. home school and do everything I can to be close to my children. Seeing a baby crying a lone in a crib, car seat or swing breaks my heart.
*cries for me and I go to her every time and talk to her and comfort her. She looks to me for that, its not much that she is asking for, just time with her mommy.
What you say is so true and child raising is much more practiced the way you say in my birth country of Sweden. I fear the Australian ways has influenced me to much, thank you for helping me find the way back to whats right!
I love how this article puts into words exactly how I have been feeling during these past 15 months with my first child. If it goes by so fast as everyone has said, why should we rush independence?! I respond to my babe’s dependency on me because I believe that this will make her more independent and secure when she is older. However, this is a BELIEF…not a fact. The people at the Olive Garden likely believe that by teaching independence to their newborn that this will make her more independent when she is older. They are likely doing what they BELIEVE is best. Let’s celebrate this and not judge them, just as we who co-sleep and baby-wear do not wish to be judged. Oh, and then let’s go right back to nursing/snuggling/carrying our babes!
Add me to the list of crying saps! :’) My 1 month old daughter was sleeping on my chest, & my 22 month old daughter was screeching, running in circles as I read this & bawled. It reminded me of something my father used to say- “You can never spoil a child with “too much love.”" God has blessed mw with the ability to nurse, sleep with, stay at home with, & eventually homeschool my babies. Thank you so much for reminding me to cherish every moment. By the way, that reminds me of a song called “Cherish the Moment,” on a cd by the same name, from Majesty Music. Well worth the $14+-. You will bawl your eyes out. :’)
“…soon comes the day when you’ll have no child to hold, so cherish, cherish the moment.”
I agree with the majority of this article but I think it is very one sided. It is my opinion that there is room for independence and it is helpful for children. A child who is co-dependent on its parents will have a very difficult transition when going off to school or making new friends. A child with an enmeshed bond may have psychological problems later on in life. We do worry about how children with detached parents will grow up, but perhaps we have to worry about children from the other extreme as well. I do not agree with letting children cry it out, and I am a firm believer in breastfeeding, but we do need to let children learn to be independent, it’s not an all or nothing attitude like the article is describing. Our children need to learn that parents have needs also, if our children think we are available every single second of the day (which NO parent it) they will grow up to be self-centered and unable to realize that others have needs as well. Just food for thought, I feel like this article is great for mothers to read, but it also takes a one-sided view, I guess I felt I had to offer another perspective to other moms as well.
My 7 month old is sleeping on my chest/lap right now. Beautiful.
What a well written piece. I don’t care what anyone says, I won’t sit idly by and let my little man cry. All those “milk comas” were such sweet, sweet moments. Time with our children is such a precious gift and should never be taken lightly.
I appreciate everything you said in your post. I’m 25 and the mother of a very energetic 3 year old boy who does test my patience on a daily basis. Reading this made me realize what type of mother I want to be to him. I have been told a lot of the same things and your right all these moments should be treasured. My little man like to sleep in my bed most of the time when his dad is away on work and some of my family members say he’s to big. Honestly though I don’t mind the kicks in the middle of the night but I love listening to him laugh in his sleep and watch him smile!!! Thank you!
Perfect. I couldn’t have said it better. I’m nursing my nearly-3 year old, co-sleeping and I feel so validated by this. Thank you. These moments are precious and our time with our children is so short… I’m thrilled to hear of other moms who share my same values.
I could have writteh that! Perfect, you speak for many mom’s I’m sure, I know you speak for me! I also have a son – going out the door. The memories of his first days with me – I adopted him at 8 months – are more detailed and strong than Easter! I agree also as a Infant Teacher at a Childcare Ctr, babies should be adored, savored, pampered! There’s no manipulating in their cries!
Wonderful story! I too nursed on demand and co sleep and so on (I’m still doing both really…though the demand is obviously less!). My son just turned 2 a few days ago and even though he isn’t a baby anymore (which is kind of sad, this all still holds true for toddlers as well.
Lovely post! Mine are 6 and 4 and I already feel like time is going by so fast
Kudos to you for doing such a great job with yours and good luck to all of you x
My children are 16, 14, 12, 10, 8, and 6. I’m so grateful that I still have little ones to relearn on. I was in such a hurry with my first 3. So much to do. I didn’t allow enough moments to just savor them. I didn’t think I was in a hurry for them to grow up, but looking back I see how true that is…because I wanted to get on with my life, whatever that means.
Now, as I see that each moment, each hug, each kiss, each little pat and picture and request to play is a moment to be treasured. I can’t always do what’s being asked, but I sure try now to slow down enough to look into faces and make eye contact and hug a shoulder (of my teens) and remember that the day is quickly coming when I will be longing for a family gathering so they can all be home again.
Thanks so much for your post. Just what this momma’s heart needed.
I see these bucket-babies all the time in work, I want to shake the parents, tell them to hold their baby, nurture them, not treat them like an inconvenience. So, so sad.
Such a lovely, and truthful post. Thank you.
Hi!! How I enjoyed all your comments!! I am a 64 year old mother of 7. I was 20 when i had my first child and 40 when I had my last. Each child was another gift, how I treasured holding them to my heart, keeping them cosy, secure and warm, sharing every ounce of love with them. I will always treasure those moments. My heart aches now, with the memories, but for me the hugs and love that I can still give to my children, as adults, is still the same. I often get phone calls from my children, “I think I need a hug, mum!” How wonderful I feel. So off I go to give and receive “a hug”. My life is so graced, and so very full, and I would never change any of the ways I have reared my children. Now I have been blessed with grandchildren that I can kiss and hug, and still hug and kiss their parents, as much as I like, because that is my given right. I have never had a rejection, yet. I am the luckiest woman alive. I now have 7 grandchildren. Lucky Me!!!!
I tell my children, you blink, turn around and those babies you were just holding are grown and gone. I watch my son and daughter and remember how hard it is to let them go as they grow, and go…on into their lives. Now I have beautiful grandchildren to watch and soon they too will grow to go on..into their lives. How fast time marches on.
This makes me see why the Duggars had 19 children. They missed the one before them being a baby. My little girl is just now two months and I find myself realizing that I have not been enjoying her fully. Thank you so much.
Reading this post with tears in my eyes, whilst nursing my baby to sleep. I hope this moment is one of my special memories of my son’s life, when he’s older and I’m staring at the closed door too.
This story is so true my children are 42 an 38 and the best time in my life was rocking and playing eith them. I too am now alone but I have wonderful memories of the years before they left home. I know also they are good parents and they rock and play with their children. Thank you for a great story.
My almost 3 month old is fast asleep in her crib as I read this. I want to go into her room and hold her. Time really does fly by it seems like it was just yesterday we brought her home from the hospital. Now she is trying to roll over, cooing, smiling, and laughing as of today
I have so much more to look forward too with my little girl and I relish every moment of it.
My 5 & 1/2 month old baby boy started solids last week, and it made me sad that my body no longer produces everything he needs. He has just started sitting up this week, something I had thought was a long time off. I too enjoy the cuddles and him sleeping in my arms, I can even imagine him at 17, yet he is growing so quickly. I loved your post, very touching.
Wish I could ‘like’ almost all of the responses following this article…..definitely shed a few tears reading it and the comments. My two boys are 3 years and 18 months and we parent in a gentle way – reading articles like this remind me why. thank you so much for sharing your thoughts
Wow! Everything you’ve written is exactly how I feel about parenting, I love it. My eldest is 9 and I was only 17 when he was born and heavily influenced only others when it came to raising him as I wanted to do a good job, I wish now I’d just followed my instincts a bit more earlier on. I’ve gone on to have 3 more beautiful children who are now 4,5 & 9months, my youngest 2 were born prematurely at 29&26 weeks. After both my preemies were born I couldn’t hold them, couldn’t feed them, change their nappies even just touching them was limited sometimes if they were tired. It broke my heart but made me more determined than ever to parent how I wanted to and so I expressed like it was my only purpose and kangaroo held them whenever they were well enough. Bringing each of them home was equally terrifying and blissfully amazing, I did what I knew was right, breastfed whenever & wherever, bed shared, anything to be close and feel them next to me. My youngest 26weeker is still breastfeeding and is currently laying in my arms in our bed between his mummy & daddy who are looking at this little miracle and wishing thusly moment would last forever x
Beautiful but sad
I read this while nursing my nearly 9mo daughter, laid in bed together. Now she lay chatting to me, smiling, the expression’s on her face 
I treasure every moment with her & i get same replies about how im bringing her up but i’d rather the way i’m bringing her up than all this CC & stuff! She’s with me 99.9% of the time (stay at home Mummy),i take her to groups, she co-sleeps, breastfeed on demand, she sleeps on me most the time, i cuddle her if she cries…etc. All of the time i spend with her is treasured greatly no matter the situation. Yes she’s tested me & probs will in the future but she solely relies on me & her Daddy & we’ll always be there for her whether its cos she is 9mo crying & needs a cuddle or when she’s an adult & needs help to buy a cooker. Theres no greater love than a love a mother has for her child <3 The overwhelming feeling of this love i felt for her (& still feel) the moment i met her which i have never felt before was just unreal. Best thing me & my boyfriend will ever make (until weve made her a sister or brother of course) 
Such a beautifully written article I hate seeing babies ignored like that. You havegivenme newfound confidence to continue as we are with our 18 month old. She will gain independence in her own time when she’s ready
I had a really rough night with my 18 month old last night and considered just leaving him for a few minutes to cry by himself (even though i am VERY against it!) it didn’t seem anything i did could stop him crying. thank you SO MUCH for this post and reminding me that he is not going to make these demands of me for the rest of his life and to cherish these moments when he does need me so desperately! wonderful post! truly inspiring ♥
Wow, this is amazing,i am crying as i am writing.Crying because thankfully i can look down at my little boy on my breast and feel like i am the luckiest woman alive! Thank you for this post, it made me think,really think!! x
This is so sad and sweet. I love my babies and feel that I can not love them and snuggle them and kiss them enough. I sleep with my newborn and my 2 year old likes to be independent already and sleep alone. The sweetest thing he does during my day is ask me to snuggle him to sleep for his nap. I will always treasure these incredible moments. Thank you for making me acknowledge this!
Thanks for writing this! My baby girl needs to be carried at all times since she was 3 months old. She couldn’t sleep by herself and I have been told many times to leave her alone. I couldn’t do it, s to this day (she turned 10 months 2 days ago), I still hold her when she needs it, still breastfeed her to sleep, to co-sleep with her and snuggle with her whenever she needs it. I know this time shall pass and I will no longer be able to hold her close.
Wonderful. Thank you for sharing this piece of writing, piece of you. Not once since I have become a mum have I read on the Internet something I believe & agree with completely.. Until today (-_-) your words are inspiring & I am lying cuddling my youngest daughter(10 months) while she sleeps, instead of packing boxes and hoovering.. Now I don’t feel guilty :0) you will make a wonderful grandmother one day, as does my mum who thinks the same way. X
What if society has been structured falsely. Don’t you wonder why the most attuned and strongest bond, the one between a loving mother and her child, is designed to be broken and diminished by the way society encourages people to prove their maturity by distancing as much as possible from their mothers. In the same way that we are told to push our children to be independent as in making them cry themselves to sleep, is a repeating motif that continues down the years to diminish the bond between mother and her children.
Wow! This brought me to tears. I was just wondering if I hold my baby too much.
Thank you for this beautiful post.
Beautiful. Thank you for staying strong momma and for encouraging all the rest of us who are nurturing our babies just as we know they should be! My precious 2 month old has never known a night when he cannot look over and see his mommy or his daddy. He can reach for the breast any time he is hungry or our arms any time he needs to be held. Our babies are our is future, bless you mommas who want a peaceful and nurtured generation.
This post struck such a cord with me. My eldest son turned 21 years old last week. However, and yes get ready to gasp….my 2nd son is just 15mths old! It’s surreal feeling to not only look at my eldest and see my new baby boy as well as look into my baby boys eyes and see the beautiful man I know he will become. xxxxxxxxxx
So very beautidully told. Thank you…
I’ll admit to being a little misty eyed right now. My kids are 15 months apart, and my youngest just turned 10 months old. I was looking at him today and I realized that he’s not so much a baby anymore. I can’t believe how quickly they grow. My oldest is 2, and it feels almost surreal sometimes because I remember bringing him home from the hospital at 7lbs 4oz and now he’s 30 lbs of running, whooping, energetic toddler.
As the daughter of a woman who played by her own rules and breastfeed us long past when society thought it was appropriate and had us in bed with her for so long that I remember co-sleeping and BFing to this day (though not well) I can attest that nurtured babies are more independent. I now live on another continent from my mother but still speak to her every day to gain her wisdom in helping me raise my own daughter. Thanks mom for not listening to what society thought was best!
Thanks for a wonderful, heart-felt article. There is nothing more wonderful than snuggling a baby, toddler and little boy or girl to sleep. They feel so precious in my arms and I never want to put them down. So far four children, now grown up, and now four precious grandchildren … and I have enjoyed and am enjoying the sleeping in my arms with all of them. And mothers, don’t neglect lots of eye contact too…they are watching you and trusting you.
This is a piece of really awesome reflective wisdom. My lad is 17 too and soon to fly the nest. He was breastfed til he was 3 and half. Slept in my bed on and off til he was 11. He is fabulous, capable and his own beautiful human being…. and I will miss him so much. I know that he has so much love to give and is not shy of sharing it. Thank you so much for sharing your heart gladdening story – love to you from Australia x
Your article really touched my heart. I did want to say, however, that cherishing the moments isn’t necessarily dependent on whether you breast or bottle feed, or co-sleep or not. It depends on how you use the moments you have. I did nurse both my babies for the first 3-4 months, and had lots of complications and difficulties with it before choosing to switch to bottle/formula for all of our health and sanity. I nursed and rocked my babies to sleep, and loved every second, and now I do the same with the bottle. I hold them just as close, and the only difference is that there was/is a bottle there in place of my breast. My arms (and my love) are absolutely the same. Every time my six month old baby falls asleep in my arms, I just mourn putting him down in his crib, and rock him long after he’s asleep. My five year old (who has never been a snuggler, much to my despair!) still sits close to my or my husband’s side at night as he drinks his bedtime milk. It’s as much snuggles as I can get from him, and every second counts. I didn’t co-sleep because I couldn’t sleep with them next to me, being so worried that somehow, something would happen to hurt them while I was sleeping. But, I whole-heartedly agree with you that a baby’s cry is something a mama (or daddy, or grandma, whoever) needs to answer. I think that that has helped, rather than hurt, my children’s sleeping, since they have known from birth that if they need me, I will be there. I won’t pretend I have always been a perfect mother, or that I always will be, but I just wanted to gently remind other mothers/ladies not to judge someone who’s bottle feeding or not co-sleeping. It doesn’t always mean we aren’t snuggling and cherishing our babies just as much as someone who has been able to do the opposite of us. It all depends on how we use the moments we are granted.
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