17….unbelievable. How did that happen!? Little shrimpy 5’1” tall me, looking up at this looming 6’3” man who lives in my house and shares my name but isn’t my husband. Finally leaving his room at 10:30am on Saturday, he says in his deep man-voice, “Good morning Mom….I have to go to work…see you later.” And just like that he’s gone again as the front door closes behind him and I stare at the closed door for longer than I really should. Alone I sit, looking at the door, and a tears come to my eyes.

My husband points out that we only have about another year left that we will all be sitting down as a complete family unit at the dining room table together. Sure, we’ll always be in touch and see the kids – but we will likely get together as a full family around the holidays. And that’s if I’m lucky. This thought brings stinging tears to my eyes.

When ‘they’ kept saying, “it goes by too fast!”….what ‘they’ mean is that memories don’t fade. My childhood is foggy, a distant memory of playing outside and brief snapshot memories of friends or school. But raising our children – that memory doesn’t get foggy. I remember this almost-17 year-old man’s first week as clearly as I remember this past Christmas. I remember the clothes I dressed him in….I remember the chair I would sit in and rock him. I remember the smell of his silky hair, the feeling of him cuddled up in a little ball between my breasts as I rubbed his back. I remember rejoicing in the tiniest of accomplishments – learning to coo, smiling, rolling to his side – as well as the big ones.

I also remember the insecurity that came with being his mother, and how it felt when my mother (his grandmother) said things like, “How will he learn independence if you always rock him to sleep? Are you going to rock him to sleep for the rest of his life?” “He sleeps in your bed?? How will he ever learn how to sleep on his own!?” “If you stand them up against a wall, that will help them to learn to walk faster.” “They must learn to play by themselves – it’s not your job to always entertain them…leave him alone and he’ll learn to do it by himself.”

As I stare at the closed front door, alone, I wonder what the hell was so terrific about independence. I would give anything to rock him to sleep on my lap one more time….for the days when I didn’t have to say goodbye after a few moments of seeing him.

My family went out to dinner the night before last – Olive Garden (“When you’re here, you’re family”). As my husband looked past my shoulder he said with a sigh, “Poor baby.” I casually tried to glance around and saw an itty bitty baby that couldn’t have been older than a couple of weeks – sitting in a bucket car seat with a blanket draped over his chest propping up a bottle in his mouth. What looked to me to be his parents along with grandparents and a group of 6 people were chatting, not a single one looking at the baby. Finally the dad took the bottle out of the baby’s mouth – and baby started to cry. He tried multiple times to put a pacifier into his mouth – the baby refused, continuing to cry. He then tried to put the bottle back in the baby’s mouth…baby cried, moving his head from side to side…but the dad grabbed his head and pushed the bottle back into the baby’s mouth.

The baby stopped crying. How can you cry when flat on your back with milk being dripped into it? But baby stopped crying, so the father turned back to the table. He was the only one who had even turned to look at the baby.

I began to wonder how we got so detached from our children. When did a baby’s cry become something easy to ignore? I wondered when this little boy turned 17, would these parents be glad that he’s independent enough to walk out that front door with barely a goodbye, or will they LONG for the days of his babyhood once more? I really do wonder what causes this disconnect – is it from the common birth practices in this country? Where labor sensations are immediately removed via epidural, newborns are immediately removed to a warmer, breasts are immediately replaced with a bottle or pacifier, arms are immediately replaced with car seats and carriers and swings….

Independence….bah. Of course I want to raise happy productive members of society – but someone will have to explain to me one more time the benefit of independence in our children. I am 42 years old, and my independence is a façade. I am not ‘independent’….I am totally dependent on my husband, children, friends, society…..I could never live on a deserted island. I do not live in a vacuum. I do not sleep alone or play alone. I appreciate when I am upset having my husband wrap his arms around me and letting me cry into his chest. If *I* don’t want that kind of alone life – why is that a goal for our children?

I understand needing a moment without the toddlers climbing on us – but BABIES don’t climb, they don’t understand “just a minute”, they really don’t demand much for their joy. Babies need food, safety, comfort. That’s about it. But we complicate this parenting thing with a lot of what other people think we SHOULD do (or not do). Instead of listening to our hearts and our babies, we let them cry…we don’t bring them to our breasts…we ignore and are bothered by and don’t nurture.

And even when we do try to treasure every moment with this little creature….they still grow up anyways. And you will still be left sitting alone on the couch staring at a closed front door wondering how the time went by so quickly. What do you think you will remember the most about their first year – how hard it was to listen to them cry themselves to sleep? How challenging it was to get them to be by themselves? Will you remember how many times your baby cried while in a carseat in a restaurant and rather than pick them up you rocked the carseat and tried to prop a bottle up in their mouth?

I will remember the way he would fall off the breast, milk spilling out of his sweet bow-tie mouth, peaceful in my arms, using my breast as a pillow as I quietly rocked him. I treasure those moments that my mother warned me would ruin him. It is in that moment that every other piece of joy in my life shall be measured – and lose. Life doesn’t get better than in that moment.

So please, I beg you…..tonight as you rock your 2 month old baby, praying they would go to sleep, thinking about just putting them down to cry by themselves feeling yourself getting frustrated…take a moment and think about the closed front door I’m staring at while sitting alone in my family room.

And please look down at this person in your arms and appreciate your view.

Enjoy her story in her own words!

* * * * * * * * * *

Wow I can’t believe that exactly one year ago I was in labor, It is the weirdest concept to absorb. Anyhow, I am going to try and write down as much as I can remember.

Friday March 18th 2011, sometime around 7pm or so I had a random spasm in my back. This was odd so I ignored it and then 15ish minutes later I had another one and this pattern continued for about 3 hours. I was 42 weeks pregnant exactly and in the weeks previous I felt contractions that always petered out so I thought I would test these ones. So I took a nap and much to my surprise I woke up with a contraction at 11:45ish pm. I told my husband and we then preceded to bed thinking that if this is really labor I will need some sleep. i think we accomplished another 2 hours and then things picked up. Contractions every 3-5minutes at about a minute long and not stopping. Cool right we think baby is gonna be here soon….Ha! So at 5 in the am we text Stephanie, Jen, and Crystal to give the heads up. We also asked Crystal to come over. We set up the birth tub and I settled in super excited about the whole thing.

Commentary note: All these contractions are in my back and hips which are not comfy and completely out of sync with what I thought a contraction should feel like. Also I am a vocalizer so just a lot of moaning going on. Dan said it was exhausting.

Saturday March 19th. I am hanging in the tub Crystal and Dan by my side. Being wonderful and supportive. Things are still going at 3-5mins and 1min-ish long. This goes on for a while, I think Jen and Stephanie got there about 7. So they set up and check me. Betty and I are doing great and just laboring away. Sometime later that morning, I ask for an internal to check whats going on. I’m a stinking 2cm. Labor continues for a few more hours and ask for another internal…still a 2. So being the way I am and not wanting to interfere with my lovely birth team’s day, we send them home to be with their families. Dan and I continue to work all day and ask the team to come back that evening. Exam=2cm, Jen says “but you know this don’t you?” and I respond “yes, I was just hoping for more”(or something to that effect). Stephanie suggests that I try to get some sleep so I take the only we have which is Excedrin pm. She also suggests that they pack up so that I won’t feel any pressure to hurry up (which I did but only because I was hoping for a butter birth). They pack up and I move to the bed and the contractions slow. Crystal helped Dan clean up and drain the tub a bit and left sometime after the contractions slowed. I slept between contractions but still woke up and vocalized through them every time. This goes on all night.

Sunday March 20th. Still in labor. (This is where I start to get fuzzy on details so forgive me) Sometime in the late morning Stephanie, Jen, and Crystal come by. I get checked, Betty sounds great and I am at a 3cm. Wooo! Contractions back to 5 minutes apart. Now we try something to speed things up. Enter the cohoshes(we had these handy and though I don’t think I ever told Stephanie we had tried these before to jump start labor in the weeks preceding). We also try walking up and down the hall and a meal because so far all I had eaten was part of a Luna bar and as much powerade as Crystal could get me to drink. The team goes back home and we go for a walk along the channel behind our apartment. Around 7pm Stephanie comes by to see whats going on. I think I was a 4 maybe. We try stripping my membranes and leaves to let that take effect. Around 10pm Stephanie comes back and checks me…5cm!!!!!(we are really moving now!). We call the team back. I get in the tub, later I get out of tub and move to the recliner and catch the fire dance from Labrinyth with the birth team. I remember Stephanie knitting Betty’s hat during the rest of the movie.

Monday March 21st. So its about 2am, I am still a 5cm. so we try sleeping with the Excedrin again and the team goes home. The pattern continues the contractions slow some but I am still waking up with each one. So is Dan since I moan during the contractions. I will say my husband is incredibly sweet and slept on the couch next to the recliner where I was trying to sleep. Sometime around 9am Dan and I get up and I immediately head to our regular bath tub to have a soak. We start talking about whats going on and the possibilities of a hospital transfer. I am so not happy about it because I had been dreaming about my home birth and working to make it a reality. At the time a transfer was like admitting defeat instead of asking for help. So finally we make a decision that with as little sleep as I was getting and as little progress as I was making that we should ask Stephanie about a transfer. The team comes by around noon we ask about the hospital and Stephanie said “That’s what I was going to suggest”. She calls Ramona from Bajoom and we head off to Chandler Regional about 2pm. Poor Dan was scrambling to put together a hospital bag because we never thought we would need one. We get to the hospital and the nurse asks what I would like to do for the pain. I still have a hard time with this but I asked for an epidural. We get to the room, set me up with an IV Stephanie and Jen head out but Crystal stayed. I can still see Crystal trying to be as inconspicuous as possible when they were putting in the epidural, originally they said she would have to step outside for it. Man was I glad she was there though because she was my focal point for that. I had some wonderful nurses at the hospital, okay the first one was awesome the second I could have lived with out. I have to admit that the epidural was wonderful given that I had been in labor for close to 3days. I got some sleep, so did Dan and Crystal. Later Dr. Kells came in waving the C-section guns. Dan put him in his place with “And what data is leading you to that conclusion?” Dr. Kells said something about me being at 42wks and such a long labor. He was also shut down when he tried to break my water. I love my hunny and my doula for that. During an internal with Ramona around 8pm my water did break and that was around 7cm. They set me up with a wafter of pitocin and things started rolling. About 11pm I was a 9 and Crystal asked Stephanie and Jen to come to the hospital.

Tuesday March 22nd. Just after Stephanie and Jen arrived, I was a 10 and I decided I was done. I just wanted to quit. They asked if I just wanted to go home and take some Excedrin to which I replied “Yes” to this day its still amazed my husband just how serious I was about that. So I labored down for a while and shortly after 1am I felt pushy. The epidural had worn down some so I could feel that at least. Everyone tried to coach me through pushing including the nurse who insisted that my hands had to be behind my knees for some reason. I let her know in a not nice manner of labor land that “YOUR WAY IS NOT WORKING”. She stopped trying to help after that. After 40 or so minutes of pushing Betty was born at 2:04am, the cord was looped 2x on her neck but that’s a no biggie. I had 2 tiny tears, one inside and one up top by the pubic bone. Betty was born with a 50cent sized bruised flat spot on her left parietal bone. That is where she was hung up for so long. she was 8lbs 14oz.

I want to Thank my birth team you were amazing. I love you all and can still see your faces helping me push and talking me through it.

Note to Stephanie: you are welcome to use this as a blog post. if not let me know so i can make it public on my own. Not going to lie though I would love it if it was a blog post.

Why don’t we hear women saying this? We often hear the opposite. Thank goodness their baby was born in a hospital because they needed a c-section and without that c-section their baby would have died. Their baby was too big, cord was around the neck, had fetal distress….
But we don’t hear women saying, “Thank goodness I wasn’t in a hospital – I would have gotten an epidural and my baby could have gone into distress and I could have ended up in a c-section and could have died!”  “If I’d been in a hospital they would have broken my water and caused an infection and I could have died!”

I was recently out having dinner with friends and and one of them brought her neighbor – a very nice lady with a sweet personality who I really enjoyed talking with. When it came to my profession, however, she expressed what I had heard so many times before. “The idea of a homebirth just scares me! I mean, I wanted a hospital with a level 3 NICU ‘just in case’! I just wanted to be safe.”

She wanted to be safe. That’s honestly and truly what she thought in making her decisions, and I believe that to be true. She thought she was being safe by choosing a local hospital with the highest level of care available to her and her baby – for safety reasons. She sacrificed the ‘fun’ and ‘joy’ of birth FOR HER because she wanted to increase the ‘safety’ FOR HER BABY!

Now, I didn’t have the heart to ask her if she’d been induced. I didn’t get into the risks associated with epidural anesthesia and ask her if she got an epural (because she proudly told me that she got an epidural and how much better it was after that) I didn’t ask her about all of the choices she made without a whole lot of thought and how she felt about the safety of those choices.  After all, she was in a hospital with a level 3 NICU so she was covered as far as safety goes.

It’s apparent that we took different approaches to be sure, but I always feel an exasperated sigh coming on when this conversation starts. No, we do not favor the experience over safety. Yes, we can still use that NICU if the baby needs it…however, we do everything we can to avoid needing that NICU in the first place! We avoid the things that will increase risks to mothers and babies in the first place!

Just last week I sat down to be interviewed by a couple who was expecting their second baby. She was very excited to explore the idea of a homebirth – he was very much less enthusiastic. He sat on my couch leaning back away from me into the corner, arms alternating crossed and on his lap, obviously uncomfortable with the idea of having a baby outside of a hospital. Throughout the course of the interview it became apparent why: his wife had developed an extremely high fever during labor, she was Group B Strep positive, baby had been kept in the hospital for a full week even though mom was discharged in a couple of days, and start to finish there was little that was “beautiful’ about their experience as she was induced, had an epidural, and their baby was taken away from them for the first full week of their life!!

Then came the question: What would you have done in this situation?

I told him that if, during the course of labor, she developed that same high fever then I would have needed to transfer them into the hospital and that the end of their birth story would likely not have been any different. He looked a little smug at his wife, as surely this proved his point that they were wasting their time. “BUT,” I told him, “I would have done everything I could to prevent that situation in the first place.” I then asked her, “How many internal exams did you have before labor? Did they strip your membranes?” She said she had MANY internals and they stripped her membranes several times starting at 38 weeks. I asked how many internals while in labor – same answer, “So many!” Did they break your water? Yep. I explained that I never break someone’s waters unless there is a very real reason to due to the risks of doing that – especially in someone with GBS, but even just in general.

I explained that knowing that there’s no benefit to checking a cervix before the onset of labor – and especially knowing she was GBS positive – I wouldn’t have checked her cervix at all as I don’t care what her cervix is doing, I don’t care if she has her baby at 39 weeks or 41 weeks…I am all about safety and minimizing risks and I wouldn’t want to push that GBS up inside of her towards the baby and those vulnerable membranes. I would never have stripped her membranes either because of the risks associated with that.

I watched his eyes look at her, thinking about what I’d said, and I watched as they made an impact on him. These were things he had never thought about. It never occurred to him that it was preventable! It only occurred to him to thank God they were in a place to address these problems – never that they could have caused the problems in the first place that they were trying so desperately to fix!

I explained to them choosing a homebirth doesn’t mean you can’t use the hospital services if a medical issue comes up that requires more attention (for my dinner companion: even the level 3 NICU). We use those when we need them and I want to hug and kiss those physicians in gratitude when we do! But in homebirths, we are about minimizing risks in the first place: not having an epidural that carries a GREAT amount of risk. Not inducing, not doing anything that would increase risks in the first place.

As a parent, you will care for your child through many knee scrapes and head bumps…through fevers and coughs. Each issue you will ask yourself, “is this normal? If not, can I care for it or do we need to go to a doctor?” They fall off of their bike – do you wash their knee and put a bandage on it and send them back out? Or do you need to take them in for stitches? You know what is normal and what is not, what you are comfortable treating and when you need to go to the doctor. You don’t, however, have them ride their bikes in the parking lot of the pediatricians ‘just in case’. You use them when you have a problem that you feel is too big to handle on your own.

That’s what I do. I know what’s normal and what’s not…I have a ‘first aid kit’ that I bring to births to fix bumps and bruises that moms get along the way. But sometimes there’s a big fall and I say, “Oh no…this is too big to do at home, let’s head to the doctor…”
And I’d rather my child ride their bike near their home with a parent watching but wear a helmet and elbow/knee pads….than to ride their bikes in the hospital parking lot without a helmet or any protective gear whatsoever while jumping off ramps with a team of doctors waiting inside the ER doors.

Mainstream viewpoint is that homebirths are sacrificing safety for comfort and control of the birth experience. No, my mainstream friends….that’s what epidurals are. And in some instances that’s what inductions and cesareans can be (unless responding to a true and present problem).

I am a homebirth midwife – and I promise that my first and main concern is and always will be safety and minimizing risks every step of the way.

I always have so much fun at these meetings – and there is something extra special to me to see the connections that are formed. In so many other practices, a newly expectant mother will go for their monthly (or more often) check ups and go home. Done. That’s it. That’s all. They can go to the practice for their entire pregnancy and not be able to name ONE other person who is seeing that same care provider. They sit in the lobby/waiting room for up to an hour waiting to be called back – sitting in a room with many other ladies, and yet not knowing any of them.

Yet they are on this journey together. They are seeing the same care providers, carrying babies at the same time…and yet will never meet. We crave the connection! How many of us are belly watchers when we are pregnant! All of a sudden we notice every belly out there (including the questionable ones where you think MAYBE she is pregnant but wouldn’t dare ask!?)….heck, I’ve noticed bellies on MEN that made me do a double take and giggle to myself at how on alert I am for bellies.

Nurturing Bellies is an opportunity to gather near other women who are also looking for that connection. We laugh together, share experiences, learn, cry….and friendships are created that last well beyond the birth of their child. Most importantly, it’s FUN! And this journey becomes infinitely less lonely.

Why doesn’t everyone attend these types of meetings? I don’t know – busy schedule, not sure what they can get from it, too shy to join the group for the first time…? I highly encourage EVERY expectant mother (whether seeing me as their care provider or not, whether planning a homebirth, birthing center birth, or hospital birth) to attend at least one meeting – JUST ONE! Meet these ladies….SHARE YOUR STORY! I promise you aren’t alone…someone else has had your fears, triumphs, and tears.

I’m all about benefits/risks. Life is a balance – what are the pros and cons to an action. So what are the possible benefits to coming to Bellies? You gain friends, you learn new information, you become empowered, you find a place you can vent, you are entertained…

What’s the worst that happens? You waste 2 hours of your life you can never get back.

I think it’s worth the risk….don’t you?

***IF YOU HAVE COME TO ‘NURTURING BELLIES’, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE IN COMMENTS***

It’s nobody’s fault, and I have lots of people who would have LOVED to have helped if they were able to do anything to help! But at the end of the day (and at the end of the week), I felt very alone and realized that it’s an aspect to midwifery that I could never have prepared for.

Each birth is unique, and every single birth I have experienced over the years has brought its own set of challenges, its own unique triumphs, its own lessons learned and I always come away changed. For the better or worse, I’ve been inspired and I’ve been scared, I’ve felt blessed and I’ve been exhausted by the level of emotional involvement this job requires. If you have ever read my blog for more than 5 minutes then you know – this job isn’t a job. It’s a life. It’s not what I do….in many ways, it’s who I am. At times I think that even my own clients don’t truly “get” that….that I really truly deeply do LOVE my clients, sacrifice myself for them, not just my time but my prayers and my emotions and I don’t just pretend to care – I do care. More than I think any of you could possibly understand….I care down to my core. When we have to transfer care because of a concern, I cry for you. When we triumph over a challenge and I see you holding your baby…I cry again as I share in your joy.

That isn’t lonely – in fact, one of the amazing things about this job is the shared experience. As I laugh with a family about that funny thing that happened during her labor, or I high-5 with the doula that mom was able to overcome that challenge. All in that room experienced this journey together and it’s comforting to be a part of this social dynamic that is involved in birth. You didn’t go through this alone anymore than the mother did….we all bore witness, we travelled the path together.

Except…

This week has, professionally speaking, been one of the most challenging weeks of my life.

Sigh. That’s not entirely accurate – since this isn’t just a job for me. I will be more honest – this week has been one of the most challenging weeks of my life. Yes, the baby lived. Yes, the mother lived. Yes, we believe both have come through without any long term consequences. I’ve seen babies who didn’t make it….but this birth rocked me to my core.

What happened is not something I feel comfortable getting into beyond saying there were challenges that were met and overcome, then new challenges that were very scary for a while, and now those challenges are being overcome in an entirely triumphant way. Vague? Yes…but it’s enough.

Why did it affect me so much? I think in part BECAUSE I felt so alone in a way that I didn’t expect. This is the first instance in my career in which I truly had to ask myself, “Was this preventable? Could I have done something different that could have helped?” I went over the notes from this birth…over and over…over again…and over and over. I can see nothing I could have or should have done differently. But still….I’m the midwife….did I miss something? The neonatologist tells me that they see this in the hospital all the time without being able to prevent, and that helps. Over and over I review my assessments, my actions, my judgments, my reactions….

My assessments, my actions, my judgments, my reactions….
This is on me. As a student I had a midwife behind me…it’s ALWAYS an “us” situation. WE assess…WE agree on a course of action…WE made judgments…

I wished I could talk things through with someone. Anyone. But who?

My student that was there? They have never experienced the full weight of responsibility on their shoulders – by virtue of being a student, none of them have ever really experienced that feeling. Other midwives? It requires a level of intimacy that requires allowing them to peer into my inner most soul – and honestly I am not close enough to any other midwife. Professional respect? You bet, and I know that most of the midwives in my area would be WILLING to listen and be there – but it’s not about them, it’s about me. There are lots of men that would be willing to have sex with me, but it’s me that’s not comfortable enough to get undressed and open up for them. Friends? There was one friend that I did open up to – she had experienced how it felt to make medical decisions for her husband who was dying of cancer. Second guessing herself, being the one responsible…talking to her did help some, but while she understand the feeling of responsibility, she couldn’t really understand the medical decisions I was faced with nor their long term implications.

So I curled up on my couch, ignored my phone, and shut down. Scared the hell out of my husband as we have been together for 20 years and he’s never seen me that way. I prayed for the family as hard as I could. It is the first time I have ever in my life EVER literally thrown up from the stress. I didn’t sleep for 3 days…stress, fears, prayers…my brain wouldn’t shut off long enough to really sleep.

I understand that someone could read this and think, “Wow, I don’t want that lady as my midwife! Sheesh….I want someone strong!” I have never felt more weak than I did this past week. I have never felt more vulnerable.

I have never questioned my chosen profession. Never. Until this week. I had to ask myself, “Am I strong enough to do this? Can I be willing to have my heart open enough to possibly experience this in the future again? But would it be fair to my clients to NOT be open enough?”

I wish I could turn this into just a job. I wish I could not give a shit. I wish it didn’t matter to me if we have complications, or transport, or c-section. I wish I didn’t have a vested interest in having it be the best outcome with the best experience possible. But I do care – deeply. I make judgment calls that I think are in my clients best interest, and then I carry that in my heart. Sometimes forever.

The ironic thing is that as alone as I felt (painfully lonely), I found that in a really strange way – I had reached out to myself. I didn’t mean to, it just worked out that way. I wrote a blog post about miscarriages – Choosing to be Vulnerable. Vulnerable – wow. That’s what I am when it comes to my midwifery…I have chosen to be vulnerable. I can choose to continue to be vulnerable and deal with bad things if they happen and yet be open to the incredible joy that usually accompanies birth! Or I could prepare constantly for bad things, guard myself, and never allow myself the joy of “perfect” and “healthy” and “triumphant” births. I listened to my own words I re-read that blog post – and had to ask myself how much I still believe my own words.

I have to believe them. I have to allow myself to feel the sad in order to accept the joy. I have to accept that bad things happen, but not focus on that to the exclusion of the good. To live in the moment of what IS, rather than getting caught up in the what-ifs.

I have to choose to be vulnerable. It is a choice I make daily. I pray for the strength to continue to be vulnerable.

And, as I did last year, I’d like to take a moment to remember and thank these families who have touched my heart and will live as part of my soul for the rest of my life. Thank you!!

For confidentiality purposes, I will only be using baby’s first name – no last names and not many specific details. If any of the parents of these precious babies would like to be identified – I would LOVE to include a picture of your baby in this post! If that is something you would allow me to include, please leave me a comment letting me know that you would like the baby to be identified as yours and their picture included!!! (if you are a parent…this is in the order of their births)

Please feel free to click on any photo to see a larger version of each picture!!

* * * * * * * *

Mckenna: Our first baby of the year! While your cranky/sleepy big brother was with dad in the other room, you slipped quietly (and quickly!) out in the living room. The night air was crisp as we left your new home – but I knew you were warm in your mother’s arms. Such a beautiful birth to set the stage for the year to come!!

Giselle

Giselle: Your mom and dad are good at making girls!! You were the fifth gorgeous girl they had made! And the first baby I wasn’t able to glove up for because you came so fast! (I got ONE glove on, and was proud I got that far!) There was a moment after your birth when your mother was holding you still in the birthing pool you were born into, with your dad looking so incredibly proud behind her, surrounded by all of your sisters…that will live in my heart forever. I’ll also never forget when I realized that I had born witness to every adult woman in the room (your sister-in-law, your doula, my apprentice) giving birth. Such a blessing for me.

Harper

Harper:  After hearing your doula tell us about your sister’s birth, I couldn’t wait to see how your birth unfolded!!  Your mother made that look way too easy – birthing so fast that your daddy just about dropped you onto the bed!  Such a sweet birthing space they  made for you in their bedroom….and your big sister was so excited to have you here!!  Some families I wave goodbye to them at their 6 week postpartum visit thinking, “I wish I could be their baby!”  Your family is one of those…and you are incredibly lucky to have them!  (and I am incredibly lucky to know them!)

Hailey

Hailey: I wasn’t even supposed to be at your birth! When your mom hired me they thought it was only for prenatal care as they were going to move! Well, I can not express how LUCKY I felt that their move waited until after you were born. You mother was incredible…even though you are her first baby, she slipped easily into that primal birthing time like a pro. I’ll never forget the look on your daddy’s face when he saw you for the first time…priceless!

Paxton: Oh Paxton…into daddy’s waiting hands while grandma bawled nearby, you made a dramatic entrance into a room that welcomed you with love and joy. Rolling through all of the twists and turns that a first baby can sometimes bring, your mother rocked it! Such a beautiful day!

Jordana: My little peanut!!! And all that much more special since you are my great niece! (I can say with 100% honesty now that “I am a great aunt”. I mean…I’ve said that for years, but now it’s no longer something that can be debated. Heh.) My littlest baby thus far and just goes to show that little or big isn’t what’s important, it’s about being healthy. And WOW are you healthy! Teeny tiny and full term and healthy!! Slipping from one watery world into another before being lifted out of the pool into your mother’s waiting arms! I was so proud of your mother…and it just makes that sweet day all that much more special that I welcomed you not just as a midwife, but as an aunt!! I love your mama….and I love you.

Shelby: Then homebirth that almost wasn’t!! My apprentices will remember my DANCING with a hop-skip-and-jump away from your home as we left because I was SO HAPPY!! Let me see if I remember the unique events correctly: 41.5 weeks said during an appointment, “I swear for a moment that felt like a head….nawww, there’s no way this baby flipped.” 42+1 weeks (Tuesday) sent for an ultrasound showed a 10.5 pound 42 week breech baby. (I told the u/s tech there’s no way the baby’s larger than 9.5 pounds) Called my OB friend and scheduled a cesarean for Thursday. Wednesday we meet to prepare for the cesarean….while feeling your position I feel you flip to head-down! Confirmed with an internal exam…2 hours later mother was in labor, that night you were born peacefully into the birthing pool in the bedroom. (we had cancelled the cesarean while the OB laughed and said, “Go have a baby! Whoo hoo!”) Do I have the facts right? I know I do…because I will NEVER forget that week! Birth is exciting enough, you just had to make it extra exciting this time. Next time, boring would be okay! Hehe…

Julianna: After seeing your big sister born into the water, I was extra thrilled when I got the call from your mother that she wanted me there again when you were born!! You gave us a big of a concern earlier in the pregnancy, but I guess that was enough drama for you because your birth was smooth and beautiful and a celebration of perfection! Born into the same pool your sister was, it was déjà vu for me! (your big brother couldn’t be a waterbaby as he was born in a hospital) There’s something special when I have welcomed big siblings and the new baby!

Charlee

Charlee: Another of my babies where I had previously been blessed to help your sister born! Your mother brings tears to my eyes the way she and your father laughed and loved each other throughout your birth…just like they did your sister (also into the same birthing pool that she was born into!) Your big brother was born in a hospital. Maybe I should get you and Julianna together as your stories are so very similar. Hee hee…

Everett: Sweet dear boy who had the darndest time figuring how exactly how to get that little head out of that little space. So much patience your mother showed for you – you needed it!! I’ll never forget your mother looking down at you with just your head out of her body, you opening your eyes to look up at her – and then, still not fully born yet, letting out a squawk or protest! I shouldn’t be surprised that a strong boy would be born to such a strong mother. I bow down to her awesomess….wow!

Liam: After watching your mother birth her first baby (your big brother), I knew this was going to be a fun birth to be present at and looked forward to getting the call from your mother! And I was not disappointed…I laughed, I cried, I cheered…I love your mother (And your father’s not too shabby either!). Just like with your big brother, the pool was great in labor, but the birthing stool was where your mother wanted to be for your birth. I don’t see how it could have been any more perfect.

Elizabetta

Elizabetta: Days passed, mom held strong, but you were so caught up in there that there was just no way you were coming out at home. I’m so sorry it was such a rough journey for you – but your mother was strong, held tight, and was able to push you out in the hospital through her own power. Your poor bruised head showed your battle wounds and my heart broke for you that it had been such a challenging journey…but I was so proud of your mother that she fought equally as hard and overcame and, even though it wasn’t what she’d dreamed it would be, she was able to give you the best beginning she could given your circumstances. You’re a lucky baby.

Benjamin: After watching your brother being born (and knowing how well your mother births babies by looking at all of your big brothers), I felt certain that this would be a smooth and simple birth. And it was…just not at home. I wish your mother hadn’t gotten sick and needed to be in the hospital – but even in the hospital she had a beautiful unmedicated birth surrounded by your entire family!! (heck, I still almost caught you as you cam flying out as my CNM friend had trouble getting gloved up in time!) I tearfully said goodbye to you and your family as they whisked you away in a move across the country, but you will always live in a little corner of my heart.

Quinn

Quinn: You sure got my attention! Placenta abruption is a phrase that gives me chills and can be really scary, but your mother held strong and did everything she had to in order to protect you. The last thing she ever wanted to do was have a cesarean…but she was more than willing to have surgery to keep you healthy. Now THAT is a good mother! I was sad that they had that experience, but so grateful that you are healthy!

Maya: Triumph….healing….love….joy…all good words in the English language could be used to describe your birth. Your mother knows how I feel about her and how I feel about being chosen to be witness to your special day. For reasons she understands, I will leave it at that. Thank you and love you guys.

Holden: With daddy, auntie, and grandma surrounding your mother, you were born onto the same bed you were created. Such a spiritual experience for a family with a strong faith in God – I think your birth brought her a strong faith in her own body that God had given her, too! A beautiful thing to witness!

Christine

Christine: such a fun birth! Born with your membranes intact, into the water, with still-warm brownies waiting in the next room…wow! I loved the shirt your mother chose to wear that day – perfect for the occasion. As soon as he relaxed a little bit, I think even your dad thought this whole birthing thing was pretty cool. Your sisters were SO EXCITED when they saw you coming out!! You can’t help but be cool…look at all of the ladies of your family.

Amelia

Amelia: You came so much faster than your mother could really wrap her brain around – born into the water, your mother plucked you out and snuggled you so tightly. She was emotional at first, but nothing like the explosion of emotions that bubbled up and burst forth when she took a peek and saw that you were a girl! Your doula, parents, and everyone in the room sobbed with her, happy for your family that you were here. Downstairs with your brother, a friend of your mother’s cheered with us! What a beautiful birthday you had…

Naomi

Naomi: You are a spitfire just like your mother – who almost gave her life for you. Fighting to give you every day she could in the hospital, she almost fought too long and scared us all. But you are sure worth it! A perfect little girl pulled out by doctors in a surgical suite…not what your mother wanted, but she would bring you to her chest and hold you close to her heart. If there was ever a baby that was fought for and prayed for…it is you.

Raylee

Raylee: Family room full of family watching Survivor on television while waiting for you to come out – you slipped out quickly and smoothly in the bedroom! Cookies to celebrate…it was the most miraculous ‘normal day’ you can have!!

Belinda

Belinda: Tests, injection, procedures….if your conception was going to be complicated, your birth would be the opposite!! Born into your parents’ hands, you slipped out into the water in the birthing pool set up in the bedroom while their doula wiped away tears of joy. Your showed your mother a new depth to her strength…as well as a new depth to what it means to love another person. Beautiful.

Joey: Daddy cross-legged in front of your mother while she pushed…even though it was in the water, you all but plopped out into his lap as you slipped earthside! A shocked and overwhelmed dad lifted you up into your mother’s waiting arms as they their joy exploded into tears. While your big sister was disappointed that you were a boy (she’d hoped for a sister), we knew she’d fall in love with you quickly – I think it took her about an hour to be swayed by your awesomeness! What a welcome addition!

Luke

Luke: You will always be my little stinker…and I will always bow to your mother’s determination and strength. A challenging birth for her, yet she did it! Despite her family’s skeptics who questioned whether she could have a vaginal birth….she not only proved to them that she could do it vaginally, but had a homebirth for you!! Triumphantly you emerged on a birthing stool with your father’s help (and your doula taking pictures). Your mother endured, persevered, gave you all of the time you needed…and her reward was you. So worth it!

Silex: Your birth reinforced what I already believed: trust mother’s and their instinct. She knew what you needed, even if she couldn’t explain why. She did follow that instinct, and your birth was better for it! A cute little guy with his own brand of surprises for us….thank you for letting me witness your family’s journey.

Violet

Violet: Your daddy thought he was tough…until he laid eyes on you and then he melted into a great big puddle. Born in the water with your grandmother watching and doula taking pictures….watching your mother transform from woman to mother after how long they had dreamed for you was truly a gift. (if your dad ever lets you color in his tattoos…..just remember, that was MY idea! Hee hee)

Brendan

Brendan: With a precocious big brother, we knew you would be ahead of the curve! Born a couple of weeks ahead of time, you quickly slipped into the water and into your daddy’s waiting hands. His smile was ridiculous….matched only by your mother’s tears. Precocious….that’s the main word that keeps coming to mind when I think of you. Precocious.

Tawa

Tawa: The fact that your mother agreed to a cesarean shows her love for you. Disappointing that she couldn’t give you the beginning she wanted for you, she instead gave you the beginning that you needed. Intelligent, empowered, strong….you have an amazing mother so it’s no surprise that you are as amazing as you are. Full head of hair, so beautiful….well worth the sacrifices she made for you.

Claire: Another mother who didn’t believe it could go so quickly! Your grandma casually let me into your home not knowing that as I rang your doorbell, your mother had just birthed your head! I opened the bedroom door and heard your father say, “Baby’s here!” your grandmother about fainted! She had no idea that you were being born in that very moment – but she was SO excited to see you! We all were! A bathtub birth that was peaceful and exactly the way it should be…

Allison: As I drove to your home, I told your father that I probably wouldn’t make it before you were born and gave him some quick instructions. His response sounded like he didn’t believe me – but he soon would as he caught you! Your big sister took so long to come out (I was there for her as well) that I don’t think they believed you could come so fast! I wasn’t there when you took your first breathe…but am still so lucky to have known you on your birth day!

Dexter: For someone who had never experienced childbirth before, your mother sure did rock it! Fast and furious, when you decided to come out you decided to make it NOW! A beautiful waterbirth to a powerhouse of a mother who knew exactly what she wanted, went after it, and got it!! I can truly say that she slipped into the role of mother so naturally….it was inspirational to watch.

Abigail: Your big sister (I was her midwife, too!) came quickly….so we were ready for you when you came quickly into the birthing pool in your parents’ bedroom. Your big sister watched with an enormous smile from the edge of the pool and your daddy caught you as you entered this world. That was a fun day!!

Lyla: I wondered what your birth would be like since it had been so long since your brother was born and it was a very different experience (hospital, induced, epidural)….but your mother did GREAT!! A bathtub birth…you gave us a scare for a minute as I needed to help you learn to breathe, but you caught on quickly and soon were snuggled into your mother’s arms.

Shane: Your mother is one of the sweetest, incredible women I’ve ever met. Soft spoken, yet hiding a powerful strength that was a blessing to witness! A blow up birthing pool and your daddy was all she needed to peacefully sneak you out. You even came out in the caul (lucky baby!)….a calm, peaceful birthday!

Sara

Sara: There’s almost too much to say about your birth than will fit in this little quickie one-paragraph space will allow. What was most remarkable about your birth? Was it me letting the cat out the front door and panicking about it? Was it the powerful way your mother birthed you into the birthing pool? Was it the overwhelming joy on her face when she looked at you for the first time? I think it probably was your dad, hands shaking as your mom pushed and we started to see the top of your head, sipping coffee in the corner…when I said it seemed more like he needed a beer than the caffeine in that coffee, he snuck out of the room and slammed a beer before you were out! When I found the empty bottle he looked at me with innocence and said, “You said I needed a beer!” I will always laugh about that. Thank you, Sara…and thank you to your parents for allowing me to be there.

Kollins: JOY JOY JOY! Your father’s face as your mother was forehead to forehead with him, your grandmother behind feeling your head emerge….the eruption of unrestrained emotions when you were lifted out of the water by your parents….pure joy! I am always happy at births…but rarely am I as touched down to the core of my soul as I was at your birth. I will treasure that feeling for the rest of my life.

Simeon: Oh dear…okay…so….yours will always be the birth I missed because I was stuck on the side of the road getting a speeding ticket. The irony, right? While I wished I could have been there, I was glad you had Jen and wouldn’t have wished it to be any less perfect for you than it was!

Abigail: My biggest baby this year, would you believe that 11 pounds isn’t my biggest that I’ve done? Hee hee….another water baby, I wish you could have had a gentler welcome into this world – both you and your mother – but thankfully you are both strong and came through with an exciting story and memorable birth day.

Mikah: First babies are supposed to take a while…but apparently you didn’t understand that part. I know how much your doula helped, but it was you and your mother who were the stars of the show that day! Unlike so many others, your mother didn’t like the water and instead preferred the birthing stool…so that would be where you were born! Right there in your parents’ bedroom on a birthing stool….fast, straightforward, and everything we hope for both babies and mommies.

Aesop: You got the message that first babies are supposed to take a while…and took it to heart! I think your parents’ laid back chillaxin’ attitude were passed onto you too well as you were perfectly content to stay right where you were and you were really in no hurry whatsoever to come out! But once they lifted you out of your mother’s belly, you quickly learned that your parents arms (and on a breast) a pretty awesome place to be! I adore your parents as much as I love you and my life is better for having known you!

Aria

Aria: Quiet, peaceful, and barfy. That was your mother and her pregnancy. Lots of barfy – and it broke my heart. Most mothers find labor their challenge….your mother kicked butt on her labor, it was pregnancy that was so dang yucky. But as remarkable as her barfiness during pregnancy was, what I will always remember the most about your birth was your father’s announcement that “it’s a boy!” – trumped only by your mother’s announcement 15 minutes later that it’s a girl!!! Tee hee hee….yep, still effectively makes me giggle. So funny!!

Atticus: I couldn’t even tell your mother was in labor…until you slipped into the pool she was sitting in! No fuss…no sounds…nothing! It was….yeah, I’ll say it…it was kinda weird how calm and ‘normal’ she was!! I’m still in shock!!

Mercedes

Mercedes: After missing your big sister’s birth because she came SO FAST….I think everyone was nervous I would miss your birth. Not to worry as I got there in plenty of time, you still came quickly enough! Your mother is more of a friend than client to me, and to be chosen as her midwife for two of her babies was an honor and give she bestowed upon me. I remember snuggling you on the day you were born, full head of beautiful dark hair…so yummy!

Gabriella

Gabriella: Our concerns turned serious when we called 911 and quickly headed to the hospital. I know it disappointed your mother that you had to be born with a cesarean instead of the waterbirth she’d hoped for….but nobody can argue when a placenta abruption is happening that it is a time when we are glad that a cesarean is an option. Your mother’s choice saved your life….she’s a touch chick and labored amazingly before you were born!!

Sierra: Seriously, who laughs as soon as she knows she’s going to start pushing and exclaims, “Now it gets fun!” Umm….yeah, that would be your mother! In a room FULL of family and with her doula photographing, you were born peacefully to a mother who welcomed you with giggles of glee! (and a dad that I thought might pass out!) Beautiful family to welcome such a beautiful baby.

Memphis: Okay I’ll admit it…you have the most beautiful parents I’ve ever worked with. Your dad is sinfully handsome….and I had a girl-crush on your mother from the moment I met her. That is, until I saw her in labor…and then I was full-on blown away by how gorgeous she was! I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a more beautiful laboring mother. She looked like a goddess to me as she flowed through her transformation from woman to mother. Your dad’s tears as he held his waiting hands by your head as it emerged….made me cry! And in that beautiful morning glow, as you joined this couple and made them a family, I couldn’t imagine feeling any luckier.

Scarlett: I was there when your brother was born, so I understood why your mother was nervous as to how your birth would go. I certainly wasn’t nervous at all, but I knew why she was. But there was no reason for her to be nervous as you came quickly, peacefully, in the caul (blessed baby that you are!)….and completely blew your parents away with your sweetness! She is my paparazzi baby as I remember the FLASH FLASH FLASH of all of the cameras going off during her birth as if she were coming out on a red carpet! Scarlett may be her name, but she’s my starlet.

Sophia

Sophia: Alright little girl….if you just didn’t breathe in your own poop it would have been a pretty terrific day! But no, you needed even more drama! Born at home, you spent your first week in the hospital because you decided to breathe in your own poopy water. That was a rough first week for everyone, but bringing you home as that much sweeter. Sweetheart Sophia…..that’s enough drama for while, okay?

Aurora

Aurora: Another waterbaby….this time I was the one taking pictures as you had Jen helping you catch your own baby! It made it so nice that your big sister slept until after you were born (gently into the night) – and what a great thing to wake up to! A new sister! Yours was what my husband calls one of my “sneak” births – meaning, I snuck out in the middle of the night and back in again before morning and my family never even knew I was gone!

Genevieve: You may have been your mother’s first baby, but she sure acted like she had done this many times before! Trusting her body and you and God throughout pregnancy, easing into labor in your own time, rolling through labor in the birthing pool you were born into….never once questioning how things were going or her own powers. Inspiring! Your dad, however, already had 2 children – and this whole homebirth thing was brand new to him! I think he ‘gets it’ now…as he said he can’t imagine ever doing it any other way from now on as he felt so close to you from the MOMENT you were born!

Eliana: I was at your sister’s birth….a healthy good-sized baby born gently at home…and looked forward to your birth for so many reasons! Over 10.5 pounds, I am so glad your mother listened to her instincts and her body and birthed you so gently into the water as it made it gentle on her body as well. You chose a funny, loving, sweet family who I know will shower you with love and laughter for the rest of your life. I am so glad your doula was able to capture your first moments in pictures for you…

Lucy

Lucy: I saw your big sister come out, super fast and in the caul, and looked forward to your birth so much! Your mother, on the other hand, got stuck in her own head. Your labor started the same time as your sister’s did, so your mother figured it would go exactly the same way. NOPE…you are unique and have your own story! As soon as she realized that, you came barreling out with a “Hurrah! Here I am!” If you were older I think you would have said, “Ta-daaa!” A super sweet girl who is a joy to snuggle…

Averee: I can say that in all of the births I’ve attended, all of these years of helping moms having babies…I’ve never seen a first baby come as fast as you did!! And yet, even though fast births are usually more intense, your mother rolled with it like she knew it was what she was waiting for her whole life! A water baby….your family was thrilled to be there when you were born! (as was I!)

Sage: I have some incredible memories of your sister’s birth, and I couldn’t wait to see what you had in store for me. All the words I would have hoped for your birth (smooth, peaceful, gentle, waterbirth, dim lights, father catching) is exactly what you got for your birthday!! It was just an added unexpected bonus that it was on MY birthday as well! What a gift you gave to me that day!!!

Vaughn: Walk in, put on gloves, and catch a baby that barely waited for me. Yep, that was your birth, little guy! That was a gift you and your mother gave each other, and I was lucky to be there to watch it! Your doula on one side, your father on the other….peace and love surrounding you! And another birthday gift for me since we share a birthday together, you and I! I will always think of you on my birthday as well….thank you!

Asher: Earlier this year your mother stood by and watched as her sister gave birth to her first baby in a beautiful waterbirth. She must have thought that looked pretty cool, because she did the exact same thing for you!! Born into your daddy’s hands as he supported your mother in the birthing pool…skyping family on the computer who were so excited to see you along with a cheering section of your older siblings seated quietly against the wall…despite the number of eyes watching you come out, the room was incredibly peaceful. It was truly a beautiful birth day….

Clayton

Clayton: I think that you were a lesson to your mother on many levels – a lesson of patience, of trust, of faith, of strength. Preparing for you had ups and downs as they got to know the baby that you are and the person you were becoming, making plans for a homebirth which was so new to them, going into labor on her own which was a unique experience…..every step of the way discovering how strong she could be and how to trust herself, you, and God. I watched you become a baby…but I watched your mother transform in ways that were just as dramatic. A beautiful birth rewarding your family in ways that they probably didn’t expect….I felt blessed to bear witness.

Pearl: I was lucky enough to be chosen to be there when your big sister (a water baby) was born – and giggly to be chosen to be there when you were born. Another water baby, I will never forget the moment you were being born and your mother reared up on her knees like a fierce mama bear and exclaimed to the room with this growling strength, “I’M CATCHING!” I leaned away from her as she lifted you up out of the water and into their lives forever!! It was one of those moments when you think that someone’s coolness can’t get any more…and then it does!! You have a super awesome family – I am lucky to know them, I can only imagine how lucky you are to be a part of it!

Joshua

Joshua: Oh sweet Joshua….with how much I love your mother, I prayed and prayed and prayed that she would get a beautiful birth experience. I was not disappointed as I watched her ease you out into the water and into your dad’s hands…helping her lift you out of the water and sit back, smiling as brightly as I’ve ever seen her smile. You have got to be one of the most snuggliest babies I’ve had the pleasure to receive a cuddle from!!! And I am so glad you got the peaceful experience that we prayed you would get. Your brothers were so excited to meet you – heck, we all were!! Thank you for the cuddles…

Stella: I helped your sister when she was born….but I will wasn’t expecting your birth to be THAT fast! Seriously? Two hours start to finish? In a heart-shaped tub? By the light of the fire in the fireplace? “Spiritual” might begin to describe how it felt to be there….watching daddy catch, wiping his tears away as he watched you cuddle into your mommy….but it doesn’t describe the depth of my gratitude at being invited into that space to bear witness and hold her space for you. You are a peaceful soul, Stella….I believe you will do great things in your life.

Harrison

Harrison: Your sister gave us so much trouble coming out that your mother worried about how your birth would go. Despite the hours it took for you to join us, you taught your mother the most valuable lesson I think she needed to learn – that she is not broken and perfect as she is! You were born into the water just like your sister was….and I can not think of a better ending to a spectacular year! You were my little caboose…..the last baby I would see born in 2011. You came with proverbial fireworks – rightfully so! No matter how old you get, never stop being your mother’s little Squishy! Thank you for ending my year on such a wonderful note….thank you.

* * * * *

In closing I have to give a nod to the babies whose births occurred way before they should have, but who touched my life just as much. I have had 5 mothers (6 babies) this year who conceived a dream that couldn’t be. I need to acknowledge those mothers and babies whose journeys were less joyous, but that baby’s journey nonetheless. 2 of these mothers are current clients, pregnant again with healthy babies they are excitedly looking forward to in 2012.
My prayer is that the other 3 find the same joy for themselves in 2012. I look forward to their phone calls.

Thank you to all of the families….all of the babies….everyone who entrusted us to travel their path with them. Many tears have been shed as I retraced my steps in this blog post…..it is a gift you gave to me, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.

And there are other times when I am baffled and want to say, “Um, have you not READ my blog?” even though I know that they have.

We are in the throws of the holiday season, and every year I get the same comments from clients. “I hope I don’t ruin your Thanksgiving.” “Just so long as I don’t have to call you Christmas Eve and take you away from your family.”

Have I not been clear thus far about how I feel about being at your birth? Have I been vague as to the passion that is in my heart for you and your baby? Or do you feel that you are somehow the exception – that I care less about you and your baby than all of these other babies I blog about whose births I’ve attended?

Fine, let me make it absolutely as clear as I possibly can – I am honored and excited to attend the birth of your baby. Period. That is without qualifications. It is a gift YOU give to ME…not something I do for you. If it’s on my birthday, it’s an extra bonus. Christmas Eve? One of the most beautiful births I’ve attended was by Christmas tree lights (Thank you Andrea!). If it’s on one of my own kids’ birthdays – they think it’s something cool that there is someone who shares their birthday. If I get called at 2am, then I probably don’t have to reschedule the next days appointments…and if it’s at 2pm, then I probably got a full nights sleep.

I get asked frequently, “did we call you out at the right time”. My response is always, “Are you happy that I’m here? Then it was the perfect time.”

My job isn’t about convenience! (I think I just snorted coffee even typing that) If I wanted a convenient job I would have chosen a different profession 16 years ago!! I don’t do this job because it’s convenient…I do it because it’s who I am.

99% of you reading this aren’t midwives, and so this may be something you are having trouble wrapping your brain around. But I also know many of you are parents (or will be very soon!) – so let me try to explain my job to you in a way you might be able to recognize and understand. I’m often asked, “What made you want to be a midwife?” My answer is a quip, “What made you want to become a mother?”

HA! Gotcha!! Not such an easy question to answer, is it! Think of all of the downsides to being a mother! It’s CERTAINLY not convenient – EVER! It takes time, it becomes your life. There are stresses, and when it’s good it’s good but when it’s bad it’s aweful. It will exhaust you, take you to the limits of what you can give to another human being, make you question yourself and your own sanity….

And yet we choose to do it…sometimes repeatedly. Why? It’s that baby’s laughter. It’s the cuddle first thing in the morning. It’s seeing them make good decisions with friends. It’s watching this person going into the world and knowing that if you die now you made a difference in this world – and a good difference! Because the rewards are well worth the effort.

Are you getting the picture? Sure I get called away at a moments notice, I can’t leave town, I don’t go on vacation or drink as much alcohol tonight as I would want to. I miss Christmas Eve and have to duck out of movies. I sneak out in the middle of the night and sneak back in before first light. There are days when I’m in a zombie state from lack of sleep. But then I watch a new mom nursing her baby and say to me with tears in her eyes, “I am a rockstar!”

(I have to pause a moment – typing that made tears spill down my cheeks. I need to grab tissues….be right back.)

Ok, I’ll try to continue.

It’s seeing someone who doubted their body get renewed faith in the perfection that is THEM. It’s the look on dads face as he scoops his baby out of the water and hands him to mom. It’s getting picture Christmas cards that say, “Thank you for all you did for our family.” It’s knowing that I made a positive difference in that family’s life and they will never forget me.

And you were afraid you’d be bothering me by calling on a holiday or in the middle of the night….I hope you are feeling silly about now. I would tell my children, “Never doubt my love for you.”

I could say the same thing to my clients.

This is her story in her words…
(thank you, Karen, for sharing your story and your pictures)

* * * * * * * *

On Thursday Oct. 27th I started feeling contractions around 6 pm but was in denial. I wanted to wait till after Halloween and my mom was here to watch our other 3 year old daughter. I texted Stephanie to let them know i was feeling contractions, but didn’t think it was anything. Within an hour i was about 6-7 min apart and feeling them stronger. I kept in contact with her and at 8:30 she asked if I wanted them to come by to check on me. I told her i was ok on my own and would let them know if anything changed.

At 10:30 she told me she was going to sleep but to call when i needed her. At this point I accepted i was in labor. I tried sleeping too. My contractions got a lot stronger but were more like 10 min apart again. I couldn’t sleep because of the intensity and anxiety. I waited till 11:30 to give Stephanie, Jennifer and Duncan time to get a nap in and then told them I was ready for them to come. Duncan filled up our kiddie pool we planned to use for a birthing pool (best $35 spent ever!) while my midwives headed over.

When they came around midnight i was just getting in and was surprised my contractions felt so much better in the water. I started wondering if maybe I overreacted and maybe it was a false alarm. I soon was 2-3 min between contractions and they were strong again. At 1 am I decided to try to use the bathroom and my water broke there. I wanted to immediately get back into the pool. This is where I lost it and hypnobreathing and relaxing was a lot harder to do. With Duncan’s help I would get back into it but he had to remind me with each new contraction to focus and relax. I had trouble finding positions I could relax in and told them i couldn’t do the slow breathing and thought i needed to change to birth breathing. I kept feeling like i needed to be reassured that 1) i was in labor and 2) what i felt i needed to do was the right thing.

I gently pushed through 4-5 (??) contractions and the baby’s head came!

Jen waits for baby Aurora to arrive, prepared to catch

Head is out, and here come her shoulders

Baby is almost out - midwife Jen asks Karen if she wants to reach down and help lift her baby onto her chest.

Karen reaches down and finishes birthing her baby into her hands.

One more good contraction and I pushed the rest of her and pulled her (baby Aurora)  up onto my chest. I was so excited to see her and surprised by how relaxed and calm she was. She made puppy sounds, no loud crying. She was born at 2:14 am.

Mom and dad welcome baby Aurora!

Stephanie and Jennifer told me later they were betting on my birth time and had guessed about 2:10 and 2:20. They knew better than me, I wasn’t even sure i was in labor. I had a tiny tear that didn’t need stitching. Yay!!! The placenta delivered about 20-30 min after baby Aurora and we were ready to get cleaned up.

Welcome peaceful Aurora

My midwives were wonderful and respectful. This experience was the exact opposite of my hospital birth with my first. I loved being at home and not worrying about getting to the hospital. I had very little healing to do this time and was grateful to not have staff waking me up every few hours to check on me. I loved having a home birth. I feel so lucky to have had such a great birthing experience and such great women and a husband help me through it.

After the placenta, dad cuts the cord, separating baby from placenta.

I can’t.  I have to accept that to move on with this blog post…I won’t be able to REALLY tell her story the way that I believe it deserves to be told.  But she specifically asked me to share it from my point of view, and how can I deny her this request when she just gifted me with the privilege of being there when her baby took her first breath…

So I will try.  Please forgive the fact that I go from present tense to past tense…as I am writing this story that is so fresh in my mind, I find myself drawn back into that sacred space and my writing becomes present tense because I am there again…feeling it…absorbing it…

* * * * *

I first met Angela in May, 2009.  She and her new husband, Brandon, were interviewing midwives for a homebirth as Angela was pregnant with their first baby.  They took a Hypnobabies class at Nurturing Hearts, hired a doula, rented a birthing pool….and then approached her 21 hour labor with grace and strength, birthing her 10 pound daughter at 7:48am on her bed on September 27^th, 2009.

Imagine my glee when I got the call in March that she needed to make an appointment – she was pregnant again!  We saw each other regularly – every 4 weeks at first, then every 2 weeks, and finally every week…watching her daughter now a walking toddler and anticipating a little sister for her.

Not even to her due date this time, I got a call from her just last night.  She’d taken a nap earlier and had a dream that she was in labor, but then woke up and was feeling funny.  Not in pain or anything like that…just a little ‘off’.  Oh and by the way, she’d had a little pink spotting, too.  These calls always make me smile, because first time mommies often get so excited about every single little itty bitty sign that MAYBE a baby will be coming soon – but I usually end up giggling at second time moms as they often go into this incredible state of denial that it could really be labor!

She just thought I should know, but didn’t want me to come or anything just yet as she wasn’t convinced that it was actually labor.  I, however, got out the clothes I would change into as soon as she called me and I headed straight to bed!

The call came in at 5:08am this morning.  They were now 5 minutes apart and a lot stronger…she was finally able to admit that it could be labor and thought now would be a good time to head over.  I (and the apprentices that I work with) gathered at my house to carpool the long drive down to Angela’s home an hour away.  We got to her home at 6:30am, escorted by her husband through a back door to avoid waking up the toddler who was still sleeping.  I am often struck with the thought as I arrive at someone’s home that, “A miracle is happening right now…and yet the world continues, unaware” – and sneaking through the gate into her back yard and into the patio door that led to her bedroom reinforced that feeling.  We would keep this miracle to ourselves for now.  The sun was just peeking over the distant mountains and gave the room a dark golden glow, like God, Himself, was lighting a candle for us.

I gave Angela a kiss on her forehead between her contractions while my apprentices began to get our supplies and gear ready.  She smiled at me briefly, then closed her eyes and returned to her labor.  Deep breaths…that was the only hint she gave of the work she was doing.  I listened to baby’s heartbeat that was strong and healthy.  Her doula arrived before we did, and she had already set up the birthing pool and was busy filling it with hot water.

I went out to my car to get the bag of baby hats.  I knit baby hats for each of the babies I witness coming into the world – and I had a special hat for this little girl.  I was lucky enough to be at Angela’s Blessing Way just a week and a half prior, and included in that ceremony was a wrist-binding – a single piece of yarn was wrapped around each of our wrist, uniting us as a single unit.  Each piece was then cut between the wrists, thus leaving us each with a small piece of the yarn.  We all carried our piece of yarn with us, uniting us in spirit, our well wishes for Angela binding us together.  It was with that same yarn that I made this baby’s hat while dreaming of her arrival.

As I returned to the bedroom (winding my way around to the special ‘secret’ entrance), I opened the door to hear, “Her water just broke..”

Angela smiled up and said, “Yay!  That felt so good!”  In that moment I was glad that the birthing pool was almost filled as I felt certain it wouldn’t be long and we’d have a baby joining us!  I noticed the candle flick-flicking away on the TV stand nearby – her birthing candle that we had made for her at her blessing way, with our well wishes embedded into the side.  That made me smile…everything was just about ready to welcome this baby!

I didn’t realize that while the tub was almost full – it was also WAY too hot!  Usually we find it a challenge to get it warm enough and keep it hot, often boiling pots of water and waddling our way from kitchen to pool, dumping them as fast as they will heat – but this time they turned the faucet water to cold and they dumped ice cubes in to cool it down faster!

Less than half an hour after her water broke,  Angela eased herself into the pool.  She was still smiling, breathing deeply through contractions – Jen (senior apprentice midwife) leaned over to me and said, “I want to look like THAT when I’m in labor!”  Angela WAS making this look peaceful, that’s for sure…

Everything prepared for the birth, I took refuge away from Angela’s gaze so she wouldn’t feel stared at, took out my knitting, and began to busy my hands.  Nobody spoke.  Angela’s Blessing Way candle flickered, its light was now muted by the golden morning sun, but it wasn’t intimidated and flickered away – small but powerful.  Just like Angela.  Her vita mutari grew, but she rolled with it, undaunted by the enormity of what she was doing.  The silence was powerful and we tried our best to respect her space.

Silence.  Deep breaths.  Silence.  More deep breathing.

A deep and powerful grunting push made the entire birthing team leap to their feet.  This wasn’t the guttural moan of a mom in transition – that was the whole-body ‘bend you in half’ sound of a woman pushing for her baby!  Just 10 minutes earlier she had eased into the water…

The entire team spung!  Nobody spoke – we didn’t have to – we’ve all heard that sound before.  I had my gloves on and my assistant, Crystal, was next to me with the tray, doula Rose and Jen grabbed the cameras.  Still nobody spoke…lots of smiles, but nobody spoke.  In the silence we waited.  Brandon was behind Angela, holding her hand, waiting for the baby they had created…peering over Angela’s belly, hoping to catch a glimpse of her.

Another push, her belly contorting with the power of these pushing contractions.  That one done, she rested in the water, silence again coming over the room.

Then a teeny voice from outside the bedroom…”Mommy?”

Rose left and returned with the toddler.  Angela smiled up at her, straddling Rose’s hip, watching her mother labor for her sister.  They had moved their bed over for the pool to fit, so this was actually the very same spot that she had been born just 2 years earlier!  Another contraction grew and Angela’s body pushed again.  Angela surrendered to her body, letting it do the work of pushing her baby out, then relaxed into the tub again.

Rose leaned over to allow the toddler to give her mommy a kiss…and she gave one to daddy, too.  She was about to be promoted from being the baby of the family to the exalted position of big sister – and I don’t think she ever looked bigger to me than in that moment.

7:48am – the same time that the toddler was born 2 years prior, and Angela pushed again – and I got the first glimpse of the baby’s hair swaying in the water, just peeking out. Long, dark hair!  I asked Brandon if he was going to catch his daughter, and he was excited to say yes and come into “catching position”!

7:52am and the baby is at a full crown, a round circle of thick dark hair.  Angela reaches down and feels the baby’s head and says, “Oh wow!”  We don’t want to laugh, but it’s hard not to let the overwhelming joy and honor of that moment bubble up inside of you!  Another push, and the baby is still crowned.  Slowly, eeking out, tiny bit by tiny bit.  Four minutes it would take her to go from the baby’s forehead – to the entire head being out.  Four long minutes of patience and control.  Four minutes of easing the baby, letting her body do the work.  Brandon reached into the water and caressed his daughter’s head – and echoed his wife when he said, “Wow!”

And it would take that long for her to birth the body as well.  Minutes ticked by…Angela pushed, but the baby didn’t budge.  She pushed again, and still no baby.  After 3 minutes I told her that she needed to push with everything she had and keep pushing, Brandon’s hands waiting eagerly for her.  Angela took a big deep breath and pushed…hard…very hard….and kept pushing…and we could see a shoulder…then her body started to slip…slowly…very slowly….to the belly now.  Keep pushing Angela!  To the hips…

8:04am – “One more push for her hips, Angela…come on…”  Another deep breath in and a big push and she slipped out into daddy’s waiting hands!!!  Brandon picked her up and handed her over to her mom.

She flopped into Angela’s arms and on her chest.  Not all of our babies cry – and usually they don’t need to!  Some babies are so okay with being born that they just blink at us and glance around, greeting the world with curiosity more than anger at being pushed into this entirely new world!  But this was different – this wasn’t a content baby checking out her surroundings…this was a baby that was unconscious from a challenging birth.

I quickly came around the tub and felt her umbilical cord – her heart rate was only 60.  I encouraged Angela to talk to her baby…feel her, rub her back, and talk to her…look how cute she is!

Heartrate was still 60.  I said a prayer…please let the placenta resuscitate this baby so I wouldn’t have to…please.  “Hi baby!” I used a washcloth to rub her back…checked the cord again, 80 beats per minute.  “Good…good baby…talk to her, Angela…”

Angela rubbed her baby’s back, “Hi sweetheart…..hi baby…”

I felt her cord – and was thrilled beyond words to feel a strong, healthy beat of 150!  Phew..thank goodness!  “GOOD baby…come on and tell us your story…” another rub of her back with the washcloth and her face wrinkles.

And she let out a protesting cry.

“You didn’t like that..I’m sorry!  I won’t do that again…”  I put the wash cloth down.  Her pink skin, her eyes opening…she was no longer in trouble.  I step back, giving the new family their space.

They snuggled together, Angela and a pink and beautiful baby in the pool with Brandon just outside.  Angela told us she felt some cramping, and easily birthed her enormous placenta into the pool.

She wanted to get up and onto the bed so the baby’s cord was clamped and cut by Brandon so he could hold his daughter for the first time.  We helped Angela to the bed while he held his baby skin-to-skin, just like Angela had done.  As soon as Angela was comfortably in the bed, her baby was placed back with her.

placenta is floating in the yellow bowl...I help Brandon cut the cord.

Daddy snuggles his still-wet daughter while I help mom out of the pool.

As soon as she was comfortably in bed, Angela got her baby back into her arms.

It wasn’t until an hour and a half had passed (and baby had been fed) that Angela said she wanted to find out how big this baby was.  We were all surprised to see a full 10 pounds 10 ounces!!  An inspection revealed that Angela had no tearing whatsoever of her vagina (that was much less surprising to all of us who just witnessed the birth).

39cm chest! What a big girl!

A few hours after this baby joined us earthside, most of the evidence of the birth had been cleaned up and packed away and we were preparing to leave.  When we arrived just 4 hours earlier, this was a family of three….now a family of four.

As I finish the blog post I will log off this computer and kiss my own children goodnight (who look much too big to me nowadays) and will head to bed.  I know I will dream of this baby’s birth, and I welcome the opportunity to relive this experience over and over again. It was an honor, it was a blessing, it was a gift to be able to witness….thank you, Angela and Brandon.  Thank you.

the whole team - Daddy behind the camera, and left to right: Crystal, Stephanie, Mom Angela holding baby Eliana, Jen, big sister Elora, and the doula Rose

Aaahhhh….that umbilical cord. That magical connection that grows life. It filters, it provides, it knows when to start and it knows when baby no longer needs it.

I’ve often tried to explain to people the incredible changes that happen at birth – including to the umbilical cord – but I’ve had a hard time finding images to demonstrate what I’m trying to explain.

Until now! I recently attended a birth and asked the mother permission to take photographs of her baby’s umbilical cord to document the changes it goes through after the birth – and she said yes!

Umbilical cords have two arteries and a vein that run the length of it. Those three vessels are surrounded by a special substance called Wharton’s Jelly. This jelly is thick and gelatinous when functional – this is to prevent the baby from accidentally causing it to kink and stop functioning (even true knots in the cord rarely cause problems because the Wharton’s Jelly prevents it from being able to tighten down and occlude blood flow to baby!)

When baby is born, this cord continues to function, providing the baby with not only blood and oxygen – but providing baby TIME! Time to transition to air breathing, experiencing the changes that babies go through at birth. As long as that cord is pulsing, it’s working for the baby the exact same way it did before the baby came out.

Once baby’s breathing and the cord is no longer needed, it goes through its own transformation. The Wharton’s Jelly in the cord begins to liquefy…tightening down on those vessels…clamping them off naturally. The cord slowly becomes thin, white, limp – dramatic changes from the thick purple pulsing entity it was when the baby was born!

Not clamping or cutting the cord until this transformation has occurred provides the baby with the benefit of extra blood, oxygen, gentleness and time!

Here you can see the magical changes of the cord! These pictures are ALL of the same umbilical cord…progressively taken over time.

THE FOLLOWING PICTURES WERE TAKEN OVER A PERIOD OF ABOUT 15 MINUTES – BABY WAS ATTACHED THE ENTIRE TIME….

Brand new! Right after birth the cord is thick, pulsing. We could actually SEE it thumping with the baby's heartbeat.

There's already a difference!! Look at how much thinner it is - less purple, less 'tight'...

Less purple...thinner....

same piece of cord, same angle....now MUCH whiter, much thinner. But still not done with the transformation! You might think so though, huh! No...just wait.

NOW we are pretty much finished with the transformation. Compare this to the top picture of the same piece of cord....

Completely done, Wharton's Jelly has liquified, the cord is not pulsing...it is thin, white, and very limp. Amazing!

And here they are all in a row for you to see.....